Real time.
It was one month ago that I lost my Michael. It was one year ago that we wed. It was one hour ago that we finished celebrating.
I kept to tradition, taking the top layer of the cake out of the freezer, and sharing it with my children and friends. It was as beautiful and sweet today as it was last year. Three delicate orchids, stood the test of time, frozen, still, exquisite, gracing the cake with a sense of immortality.
Bittersweet.
My name is Dan. I have been writing my story, our story, for the past couple of years. What started as email updates to friends and family, evolved into a Caring Bridge web page, to keep all who love us current with our journey. My husband, Michael, was diagnosed two years ago with a brain tumor. We were a new couple, with many plans ahead, whose course was changed. On September 13th 2009 we came to a fork in the road.
Now, I know what many are thinking. Wait a minute, Michael is still with you. Yes, in many ways I will always have Michael with me, and yes, he takes my love with him, yet in real time I sit here alone. We now begin a new part of our journeys, each on separate paths. For this reason I feel that my writing needs to come from a new place. The only problems is, I'm not quite sure which direction it will go. When we dedicate our life, and our love, to caring for someone, the path can be somewhat defined. When the care giving ends we are left with loss, and an absence of direction. It is from this place, or lack there of, that I begin.
Dan, welcome to your new place. It is a privilege to be invited here, too. Your love for Michael is a testimony that you are generous to share, and we are blessed to witness. Your love for your children is also a testimony, and also inspires me. Your heart is amazing—wounded, but so strong. It is my prayer that your family and friends surround you and embrace you as you so deserve. We cannot not replace Michael's arms, but we can hold you while you grieve, breathe, and slowly begin to heal. Please accept this long-distance hug from me.
ReplyDeleteJoan
finally i have found someone who i might be able to look to for info to deal. im not technically a widower but in many ways i feel that. i lost my man, so abrupt that even 11 months after i cry like if it were just a week ago.
ReplyDeleteits always good to know you arent the only one to feel this form of grief that most wont fully comprehend.
i will read every one of your posts.
I'm glad you found me. This is part of the reason I post. This grief is bigger than us, and something that can at times do us in. I had previously looked for online support,but didn't find too much available to us gay guys.
ReplyDeleteI hope that connections like this will help each of us learn to heal in our own time. It takes as long as it takes, and we should not feel alone in this.
Dear Dan,
ReplyDeleteMy husband Randy died in November 2010. We spent twenty two years together and were married in 2008. It's been only a few months since Randy died. I'm on the same journey you have forged for nearly two years. I too am writing and like you it all began as email updates to our family, friends and colleagues. Please feel free to read some of what I have written: http://randyallgaierisdead.wordpress.com/
At times my days are awful and at times my days are joyful. I'm glad I stumbled across your blog because I know no other gay widows with whom to talk. I would love to connect and chat with you. Please email me directly if you wish at lee@allgaierhawn.net
I look forward to hearing from you.
Best,
Lee Hawn
Hi Dan,
ReplyDeleteI am so glad I found your blog. It is a real struggle to find other LGBT widows, online or in the real world.
My wife Jane died of a brain tumour in May 2011 aged only 27, and I am just trying to think of the rest of my life, one day at a time.
Writing my blog is a real life saver because we did not have many friends and the blog gives me 'someone' to talk to. http://www.bunnyfactor10.com
I hope you are finding happiness again in whatever form it comes to you.
I shall now go through your blog list and find recognition... :)