Running in Place

treadmills
Originally uploaded by Sly420

Today's theme is running.

Gotta Run! Running Away. On the Run!

Any guesses? Well, it's in the form of a spry 11 year old. My son Remy has taken to running away from school as a way of dealing with his frustrations. It's happened twice now, both on late Tuesday mornings. Each time he said he was frustrated with the teachers, who refused to allow him to take a break during class. It's actually a behavior plan the school has with him, only he is supposed to go to another classroom to take a 10 minute breather, not hit the road for a 10K run.

As I have mentioned before, Remy has ADHD, and seasonal affective disorder, and these difficult days in winter are nothing new. Unfortunately, today he forgot to take his ADHD medication, and just spiraled out of control. I wasn't too upset, as it did get me out of the office. I had been sitting at my desk, thinking it was going to be a very long day. My headache is still with me, going on five days now, and I didn't have too much on my to do list.

I gave Remy my usual fatherly talk about not running away from problems. I talked to him about learning to deal with frustrations and disappointments. I tried to help him come up with a better plan, such as asking the office to allow him to call me to talk before taking flight.

In many ways Remy and I are a lot alike. In this way we are not. While I may fantasize about running away from my problems, it goes against my grain. Part of my plan in life is always to face what is in front of me. When I am presented with a difficult situation, I may initially react emotionally, but soon after I am already problem solving. I try to help my kids understand that running away from problems is just a temporary fix. In time the problems will just catch up with you, and by then they are usually compounded.

In my grief process there have been many times that I have thought about walking, or running away, mostly because the process has been much more painful than I expected. In the early months I just wanted a way out. There were so many thoughts that came into my head as ways to escape what I was feeling.

The message here for those that might come to this journey after me, is wait it out. Be willing to feel your grief. Ask for help, especially if you fear the depths of your emotions. I occasionally fall into that dark place from time to time, but at this point I know that I will come out of it. In the past these times could last all night, and I thought I would not survive the night. I realized that at times I didn't want to survive the night. I could have chosen to numb myself, and to run fast, but I'm glad that I didn't. I have learned that there are still going to be very difficult times, and yet by not running away, I now know what it means to be a survivor.

If you have to run, try running in place. It will get you through the moment, but allow you to stay present to your grief.

Tenuous Life

...how fragile we are...
Originally uploaded by jojoro

Before sitting down to do my writing this evening, I decided to look back on what was going on for Michael and I around this time last year. I see in last years writing, that we were preparing to go to the Russian River for an overnight trip. Sitting here thinking back, I don't remember anything about it. Did we end up going? I don't really know.

I know that Michael had an updated MRI around this time, and that while it showed no new growth, we were to move cautiously. I also know that it was around this time that I decided to take an extended leave from work, as I was having health problems related to stress. Although, the main reason I was taking time off is that our oncologist explained to me that things could go downhill quickly for Michael, so I wanted to be home with him.

Something tells me that we ended up not going away as planned. With Michael's health, and the needs of the kids, I learned that all plans are tenuous. I suppose you could say that I have learned that life is tenuous. We walk on thin ice. Life is much more fragile than I originally thought. For me, I equate this with happiness being tenuous. When I had it, I really appreciated it. I didn't need to completely lose it to know this.

I was someone who was single a very long time. When I met Michael, and subsequently feel in love, I truly appreciated what I had. Even during difficult times, I appreciated what I had. Even after losing him, I still appreciate what I had. I suppose this goes along the line of the saying, 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.'

Last night was a difficult one for me. It was difficult because I was missing Michael. And, although it hurts to cry like that, I'm glad that I had someone to feel that strongly about. He gave my life further quality and meaning. In that way I was blessed. It pains me to think about the future we thought we would have, and how much more happiness we would have enjoyed, but I feel I must resist going there.

'Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.'

Another Love quote I found online. If this is true then there are a lot of people in relationships, that have yet to be blessed with knowing the true depths of the love they share. I suppose we can think of this as the consolation prize in being widowed.

Sorry I'm not being very eloquent tonight, my migraine persists through day four.

Night of the Dragon

Dragon and moon / Dragon y Luna
Originally uploaded by Aztlek

To womanNshadows and her Dragon,

We keep vigil with you tonight.

You are not alone.

We honor your Dragon.

A brave and noble man.

Emptiness

Emptiness is filling me to the point of agony
Originally uploaded by kiwipecora

Silent is the night.

I sit, I wait, I listen.

Emptiness fills the room. The silence is not my friend.

Where are you? Yes, this question again.

Space. There is too much of it tonight.

I long for your touch. I long for your scent.

Do you hear me? Do you see me?

I have kept a place for you.

It is next to me in bed. It is next to me at the table.

My hand reaches out for you. I trace the memory of you.

You are lying here with me. Your hand is locked into mine. My arm fits perfectly around you.

I feel your breath. I sense your smile.

Your eyes open, you catch me staring. Another smile.

My heart is broken. I can't move on.

Stuck. Stagnant. No where to turn.

Swallow me up. Take me away. I care not.

My soul is wounded. The expanse of emptiness grows further every day.

What is my cure? What is my poison?

Are they the same?

Multi-tasking

Koda Kumi: Multi-tasking
Originally uploaded by lutykuh

Today has been a day of multi-tasking. I suppose most of my days are filled with multi-tasking, but I usually expect that on a work day, not the weekend. I got to sleep in this morning, which was good since I was up until 3am last night. It was another one of those nights where sleep just does not interest me. It's not like I was doing anything worth staying up for, just staring at this computer.

I got up this morning, and immediately heard my boys being very loud. I wasn't sure if they were arguing, or playing. It turned out to the former of course. When I got to the kitchen it was a complete mess. It's funny, as while I was sleeping I was dreaming about making scrambled eggs for my son Remy. In my dream I kept trying to make them in new ways, and burning them each time. I remember thinking to myself, "why don't you just make them the way you usually do?" Anyway, when I got to the kitchen this morning I realized why I was dreaming this. My son had cooked scrambled eggs himself. There were a couple of big frying pans, with egg all over them. There were broken egg shells all over the counter tops, several plates that he had eaten off of, and sticky stuff everywhere. Looking across the room I could tell that Remy had not taken his ADHD medication, as he was flying around the room.

My daughter had obviously gotten out of bed a moment before me. I could hear her in the next room, yelling at her brothers, "who made the mess in the kitchen?" I helped Remy clean the kitchen, then tried to gather the troops for a family game plan. The older two wanted to get out of the house, yet Remy had lots of homework to get done. We decided that once Remy finished his work, we would go to a movie. This took patience on every one's part, as Remy's medication needed to take effect before we could make any progress. He's really quite a different animal with or without the medication. It's just how he is wired.

A little more house cleaning, showers, lunch, lots of arguing about what movie to see, and off to the theatre. After returning home it was time for cooking dinner and helping Remy with a school project. Foam board, cutting blade, hinges, and hot stick-glue. The design, an earthquake safe building.

What's my point here, where am I going with all this? I'm not quite sure. What I do know is that today my mind was sufficiently occupied. Having a day of multi-tasking allows me to get things done, and not fall too deep into despair. By the time Remy and I sat down for dinner, the other two had already eaten and had moved on. Remy asked me to sit near him while we ate. He looked across the table and said, "so, Dad, what's on your mind?" We both knew clearly what was on my mind, as he tends to be the more tuned in of the three. I responded with some kind of funny remark, as I didn't want to go there during dinner. Remy played along, but he knows that Michael occupies my thoughts all day, especially as night draws near.

The kids all seem to understand. If Dad suddenly gets quiet, or retreats to his room, he is having some Michael time. They usually check to see if I'm okay. My Michael time is either in reflection, or in tears. I've noticed that I am recently trying to keep my tears more private. I'm not sure what this means. Maybe it simply means that I have more control these days. I don't feel like I am a slave to my grief right now. As long as I recognize it each day, I can choose how and when I experience it. Having my evening rituals, such as the lighting of candles, or writing these posts, allows me to frame my emotions within comfortable boundaries.

Oh how I wish this wasn't my reality. It's such a tough reality. Last week another husband from my prior caregivers group died from his brain tumor. Today I learned that the adult son of another caregiver has entered the hospice stage. I know that death is part of life. I just never expected it to be such a major part of my life.

Time to get busy again. I don't want to feel those feelings right now. I'll save them for later tonight when I can fully indulge the pain. Let's see, there must be some laundry to do, bills to pay, kitchen to clean, school week to plan for...and off I go.

Time to Hit the Gym

I believe it's time to start hitting the gym. It's a thought that has been floating around my head for quite some time now. For years I loved working out. I loved eating well. It all made me feel good about myself, good about aging, and helped me maintain a positive mood. When Michael got sick a couple of years ago it all came to a screeching halt. I was suddenly using all of my extra time to research treatments, or using my time being with Michael as much as possible. Now that he is gone, I have just been too depressed to care about myself.

When I think about getting back into the gym, I can think of many positive outcomes. Those positive outcomes are also things that I'm not quite sure I am ready for. As a gay man, going to the gym is often equated with going to church. Everyone is there. Everyone is very focused, and everyone is generally friendly. It can be a bit cruisey, meaning there is some flirting and checking each other out. I suppose it is only human nature.

I suppose that cruising is part of the draw. Who doesn't appreciate a bit of eye candy. Who doesn't enjoy the ego boost when someones lingering eye is fixated on you. In all, it is really nothing too overt, just plain healthy exercise of the body and the libido I like to think.

One aspect of life that I do need to begin working on is meeting new friends. Not that I plan to replace my old friends, it's just that I need to meet some single people. Everyone I know is in a relationship. Everyone that I used to socialize with was primarily as a couple. This has become painfully clear to me each weekend. Aside from the kids, I don't see or hear from anybody all weekend. People are busy with their lives. I have come to realize that for everyone else, Michael's death was something that created a loss back in September. They may think of him from time to time, but their lives go on. They go back to their husband, or wives, or partners, and get back into their daily routines. For me, life changed dramatically.

I don't begrudge anybody. I know that the loss that I am experiencing is because I am the one who was widowed. If he hadn't died, Michael would be sitting right here beside me. I wouldn't be writing this post. Maybe we would be getting ready to go out for a night on the town. Maybe a quiet dinner at a favorite restaurant. Maybe we would be having friends over for dinner. Maybe we would be lying in bed watching a movie. Maybe we would have locked the door, lit some candles, put on some soft music, and enjoyed massages by each other. Maybe we would be having sex! Okay, with the kids running around the house? Maybe not.

The point is that I need to start socializing a bit. I need to have single friends that I can call up to go out and do something with at the last minute. I need to have friends who might decide to gather for drinks at a neighborhood bar, and call to invite me. I'm not sure that I would accept any invitations quite yet, but I know that I can't just stay home forever. My best friend cannot be this slim, light weight Dell laptop.

I know that putting myself back in the gym environment will definitely help me to socialize a bit. It will put me in a place where I can meet other guys who might want to socialize. It will also put me in a place where other guys might pay me some notice, and I don't know how I want to respond to that. I know that if I am there wearing my wedding ring, they will assume I am married, and will be less likely to approach me. I am not the most outgoing person. I am actually a shy and somewhat reserved kind of guy. It helps me when the other guys are more outgoing. I'm not really talking about romantic or sexual opportunities. I'm talking about platonic friendships. It all seems very overwhelming, and I suppose that is why I choose to sit at home. Doing nothing is much easier than doing something new.

I don't particularly enjoy the newness of my life. In fact, I hate it. I want my life back. I want Michael's life back, but I know that I cant have it. I don't want to be a single person, and yet I am. I loved being married to Michael. I loved being part of a couple, yet short of becoming "The Ghost and Mrs. Muir," I have to accept that this is my life now. What do I want to make of it?

What am I waiting for? Nothing is going to change.

The only thing that can change is me.

Am I wanting change? Am I ready for change?

Bless the Beasts, and the Children.

beasts and innocent children
Originally uploaded by grharrison

Tonight's post will be brief, as I have been visited by a migraine once again. It has been with me all day long, and hasn't responded to the medication. It never quite makes sense when these migraines come on, as it wasn't a stressful day at all. I thought I would go ahead and post, thinking maybe taking my mind of the pain might help.

My kids are all being so sweet, and fun tonight. After work I just went down to my room to sleep a little, hoping the rest would help. When I decided to get up my kids were watching some obnoxious Disney t.v. show that I just couldn't appreciate, but what was nice is how loving they were all being. It's like they suddenly became Stepford children, all getting along, very affectionate, and wanting to do whatever they could to help me feel better. Well, anything except turning the damn channel.

Did I go to the right house tonight?

I wished I could stay in the room and really enjoy their company, but they were having a bit too much fun, plus the Disney channel and I just don't mix well. It was all too much noise, and too much silly energy for the pounding pain I was in. Back down to my room with the cat. I'm sure the kids will all drift down here at some point, they always do. Earlier my 16 year old asked if he could lay down with me while I rested. Not what you would expect from a 16 year old boy, right? Anyway, as much as I love him, I looked over at him and said, "are you kidding?" He just laughed, and my younger son told him how it was, "you never know when to shut up!" It's true. He can never leave a tender moment alone. Any quiet moment always feels like another opportunity for him to start talking about what ever comes to mind. We love him, but sometimes we need a break.

My daughter made dinner for her and I, as the boys ate drive-thru on the way home tonight. They are always starving, and start on me the moment we get into the car. Tonight I gave in rather than listen to their pleas all the way home. It is a long drive, as I travel 45 miles to pick up my older son from school, then 45 miles back to the house. This is the trip I make every Friday after work, and every Monday afternoon. I have found him a new school here in San Francisco, so he will no longer need to board away from home during the week. It going to be an interesting time for us as a family, as Dante (16 yr old) hasn't lived at home full time for about 5 years. Because of his emotional problems he has resided in residential care during the week, where he get his education and therapeutic care. It's going to be a lot more work having him home full time, but I'm really looking forward to it. I love him so much, and really want him to begin learning how to be in the community more.

My daughter, Arianne, finished her third week of the new semester at the community college. Last semester she decided to drop out, as she was falling too far behind. I hope she makes it this time around, as I would like to see her have some success.

It was kind of a crazy week for my son Remy (age 11). He has seasonal affective disorder, which makes the winter time very challenging. On Tuesday he got very frustrated with his teachers and decided to leave school. A couple of staff members decided to follow him, which led to a whole cat and mouse chase. I was called by the principle, and asked to help out. He was running through the neighborhoods, staff in a car behind him, calling his cell phone pleading for him to stop. He was busy calling my daughter, who was in class, telling her he left his school. She was calling me getting hysterical. When the staff asked Remy to stop and let them talk to him, he sent them a text saying he would be stopping soon. Yes, he really did. I eventually figured out where they were, drove up next to him, asking him "What the hell are you doing?" He just collapsed onto the side-walk, red in the face, huffing and puffing. I got out of the car, and sat down beside him. He looked up at me and said "I am exhausted." All I could do is laugh. I got him back to the school, where he was promptly suspended, and we spent the afternoon at home.

There you have it. A day in the life of Dan.

This is my family. One big chaotic mess. I never said that my kids didn't have issues. Life dealt them some heavy cards, but we are getting through it together. I don't always appreciate the chaos, but for some reason, tonight I see it as a blessing.

Did I mention that I accidentally stepped on the dog's foot earlier? What I need is some good pest control!




The Nature of The Beast
Originally uploaded by WOTTO*

Bless the beasts and the children
For in this world they have no voice
They have no choice

Bless the beasts and the children
For the world can never be
The world they see

Light their way
When the darkness surrounds them
Give them love
Let it shine all around them

Bless the beasts and the children
Give them shelter from a storm
Keep them safe
Keep them warm

Light their way
When the darkness surrounds them
Give them love
Let it shine all around them

Bless the beasts and the children
Give them shelter from a storm
Keep them safe
Keep them warm

The children
The children