I am struggling to balance gratitude with sorrow. I wish that I could report differently, but my mood suffers from this double edged blade that cuts through my existence, making progress possible. I have many things to be grateful for. A family that loves and respects me is at the top of my list. I also have friends who always share words of encouragement when we connect. I have a job, and income, and a new home on the horizon. What more could I ask for?
No, I'm not going to ask for something that I cannot have. That would be pointless, and only set me up for disappointment. I suppose I would be better served asking for perseverance.
I have been very excited about the prospect of moving into my new home. I have been planning what needs to be done, and making a list of priorities. I have been thinking about what I will need in the house, as I gave away so much of what I had before leaving San Francisco. Now that I will be moving back into a permanent home, I see that I was a bit over zealous.
This afternoon I took a trip to the local IKEA store. I decided that I would just walk throughout the store, and see what kind of things inspired me. Perhaps it would help me in identifying what my new home lacks, and what I can afford to purchase. I wanted to have some kind of a plan. As I walked through the store it was filled with so many people, all in good spirits, enjoying their outing, and discussing among themselves what would work in their homes. I found this outing to be quite challenging. It really made me acknowledge that I am on my own.
When you shop with others, there is always the playful differences of opinion. "Oh, that would be perfect in our living room." "Are you serious? What house were you thinking of?" When Michael and I combined our homes, we didn't necessarily have the same tastes, but we had fun finding compromise. When we did this we were able to share in the pride of what we created, and we could share in the laughter at the disasters. Doing all this on my own leaves me feeling a bit empty.
I didn't allow my mood to stop me from going through each department in the store, but it made it more work than pleasure. Perhaps that is how it will be for awhile. There will be the ongoing shift between working through my grief, and experiencing the pleasure that life can bring. Like everything else, it will be an up hill climb. I know that I won't always feel so sad, and I know that there will be lots of happy times ahead for me. I going to be patient, and hope that others can be patient with me.
It sure is great to read a post from you! I've missed you. And I've experienced exactly what you describe - what used to be joyful and fun now isn't. But it isn't as bad as it was a while ago, which I guess is progress. I suspect there will always be twinges of grief when we do things on our own, when there should be two of us. And as time moves on, it seems that only people who are or who have been where we are seem to get it.
ReplyDeleteWhen do you move into your new home? I hope the packing and move go well. Have a good week.
Love Deb
Hi Deb. I don't close escrow until some time at the end of the month. I'm hoping that we have everything in place by our Thanksgiving, as I will have a long weekend with the holiday. I don't plan to immediately move in, but would love to be starting on the process. This time around I will be hiring some movers, which should make it much easier.
ReplyDeleteYou know Deb, it isn't as bad as it once was. It helps to remind ourselves of that.
Love. Dan
I was at another farming conference this weekend, watching and hearing couples discuss their plans for animals, barns, all that. So many times I was well into thoughts of matt doing things, or building things - just completely forgetting he is not here. I hate that I have to remind myself of the truth 9 million times. And, it does hurt to see other people in their "teams," knowing I am on my own. I do independent very well. I just really loved the team. And, our dog went crazy looking for matt in the car when I went to pick him up after leaving him with my folks for three days. He has a hard time with the reality, too.
ReplyDeleteI missed you, too.
Hi Dan,
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog today - I am a widow as well.
Your writing is so beautiful and I totally relate to what you are saying here - I also found little things like grocery shopping and furniture shopping to be emotionally exhausting. It's so hard to be reminded that this is supposed to be fun, and would be, if only they were here.
So sorry you are going through this too.
Emily
Megan,
ReplyDeleteAlthough time has gone by, and it is getting easier to manage the pain, it still hurts. Times like you speak of, and my trip to the store, still feel like the loss is being thrown right into our faces. I know it will change, I think I just thought it would have changed more by now.
Emily,
Welcome to my blog, and thank you for your kind comments. Yes, it seems that the biggest challenge is learning to enjoy life once again. It is so difficult when your experience of daily life was as a couple, especially if you both enjoyed life to the fullest.
This is so much work.
Dan
"This is so much work"
ReplyDeleteThat really sums up so much of what our lives are, now. Yet I keep wondering why I am so tired, why I can't seem to get anything done, why, why, why. It is so nice to have you all here walking through it, too, or I would be much crazier than I am. Which would be bad.
carolyn