Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Don't Take It Personally

Appetite

I'm not sure where to start, but this title was with me throughout the day.

I keep having this nagging feeling that I am disappointing people. I have definitely sort of dropped out. I haven't been to my yoga class in many weeks, haven't seen the gym in ages, haven't visited anyone, haven't called anyone, and haven't really left my house other than to go to work, or to pick up my folks for Christmas. I didn't call anyone to wish them a Merry Christmas, and completely flaked out about Chanukah.

There have been calls sent my way that never got returned. There have been cards received without a response. I'm sure many have wondered if I have been abducted by aliens. I think that is what I would like them to believe, then I would have no responsibility for my lack of action.

I'm sorry. Please don't take it personally.

I just don't feel like participating in life right now. I don't want to have fun. I don't want to make polite conversation. I don't want to wear a smile. I don't want to be challenged. I don't want to be cheered up. I don't want to be told what I need to be doing. I don't want to see that worried look. I don't want to hear the overt concern. I don't want advice. I don't want sympathy. I don't want human contact.

I'm sorry once again. And please, don't take it personally.

I'm not proud. I'm definitely not where I would like to be, but at the same time I don't really desire to be anywhere else right now.

Maybe I'm hibernating.

9 comments:

  1. Hibernate away, my friend. So long as you aren't in the state you were 6+ months back???

    This year's 'holiday season' was much, much different for me, and I'm feeling it too . . .

    Love you,
    ~C~

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  2. do what you have to do. it is all any of us can do. i wish you peace and am out here waiting to hear from you whenever who desire to post.

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  3. maybe we can learn to communicate by stomping on the ground, as elephants do. I shall send a stomp your way. Uh, now that I think of it, maybe sending you a ground rumble is not a wise idea, given your proximity to fault lines.

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  4. I'm feeling incredibly anti-social these days. I just want to be alone in my grief and the rest of the world be damned. So I get it. You do what you need to do. We're out here loving and supporting you.

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  5. i think you need to check out for a while. damn what others say or think. that's what i do and it seems to help me. hugs my friend...


    ps although my parents seem to not get the message...

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  6. You process your grief whatever way works for you. No one goes through it the same way. My way of learning to be a widow had to be my way not what anyone else thought it should be. You'll make it your way. Hugs...

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  7. What everyone else has said. These days, my only rule is that the only one I have to answer to is myself. I believe that the quiet times when I retreat to be alone, have some useful purpose - maybe a time to rest and reorganize my thoughts. Take care, Dan.

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  8. Dan ---- just like Susan said - "hibernate away" - we are here, sending golden light, sending love, knowing in our hearts.....I too have been there. Love and hugs.....Suzann

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