Wednesday, December 15, 2010


No hope

I want to thank each of you who read, and each that leave me messages. I take each of your thoughts to heart, and use them as my mantra each day. I am trying to draw strength from the encouragement.

The emotional turbulence that is often my oldest son has settled down a bit. New psychiatrist, new medication, and perhaps just time, has brought back some stability. I was definitely at breaking point, and I pray that this reprieve will last awhile. It has become increasing difficult to have the same presence of mind, or surplus of patience, that I once had when things got this challenging.

I also find that there is little about daily life that lifts me from my depression. I get breaks from the new low during my work day. My office mate and I often have good conversations, and even have a good laugh here and there. My work with families is rewarding, and I take great pride in providing a service to the parents of young children who are exhibiting delays in their development. I really feel like I have much to offer, and they are always so eager for help and support. But it's those long pieces of time, in between these brief distractions, where I find myself consumed by my sadness.

I know people are concerned, and I know they wish I was further along in this process, but I don't have the will to be something I am not, happy. This is not to say I am closed off to happiness, just that it isn't present at this time.

I can endure. I can keep myself afloat, but I have to be who I am. I feel like something will soon happen that will be the catalyst for change in my heart. I'm not sure what it is, but it will happen.

I am not without hope, just lacking inspiration.


  1. i have been seeing the grief counselor who offered her services for free, in exchange for a quilt. this week i told her almost the same thing. she has been a widow for over 21 years and she told me this. "you are exactly where you are supposed to be. what you are experiencing is normal. happiness is very hard to find after the death of a spouse; after any death of a loved one."

    hearing that did not improve my mood but it made me less worried that i was, i do not know how to express it other than "falling behind." for me, i honestly do not know if it will get better, but i know that for others it does. but yes, it takes time. i hope and wish [and pray] that it does for you. i wish you peace.

  2. Dan - I have read your blog for awhile now but have never posted before.I am not a widow nor are any of my children special needs but I very much appreciate your writing and openness and often feel understood and validated by what you say.

    I wish I had something profound to tell you and Bunny but I felt compelled to post today and tell you that you do not have to be anything you are not (happy or anything else) and that "you are exactly where you are supposed to be" is in fact a great mantra for every single day.

    Take care of you!

  3. Dan,

    I know we just met, but I wanted to tell you how much I admire you. You've been through so much, and I can't even imagine how you have handled it all. I am truly in awe.

  4. I am not without hope, just lacking inspiration.

    That's such a good way of putting it.

    I'm relieved to read that things have settled down a bit there. Hope it lasts and gives you a breather.

    Don't worry about being "further along in the process". The other day, I wrote to a friend who seems distressed that I am still sad a lot of the time -- "grief is not linear". To me, it is more like a maze that I wander about inside of, occasionally climbing up to stand above it, feeling good and happy for awhile, before dropping back down to wander around some more. Hopefully, over time, I'll be above it more than within it. Take care, bev