Sunday, June 5, 2011

What the f*ck have I done?

Well, obviously I haven't written here in a long time. I guess you could say I've been busy getting on with my life. I'm pretty much settled into my new job, and looking forward to getting busier there, as I don't do well with too much time on my hands. I have had many projects going on at my house, which has been expensive, and has also been a bit nerve racking.

Just a couple of days ago I was walking around my home, and stood on the back deck looking at all the completed upgrades I have done. It's a very large space, filled with furnishings, yard, and garden. It's just perfect for social gatherings and fun times. The problem is, I'm all alone.

I found myself in tears as I stood there because I was asking myself what it was all for. It was also a bit disconcerting when I realized how much my life has changed in the past 20 months since Michael died. I have desperately, and fervently, tried to create a new life for myself, and actually have, with much success. But have I don't too much?

What the fuck have I done?

Poetic. Right?

All of these changes have come somewhat easily. I set out to create something new, but I worry if I have gone too far, too soon. Now that I have this larger home, with this bigger space, I feel even more alone. The house is so quiet these days. I can wander around, and rarely have someone to interact with. It's clear that I need to put a lot of effort into getting some visitors this summer. I need to start planning some barbeque's, and invite friends and family over. I also need to step out of my home more often, and once again, start meeting new people. Mostly, I need to begin meeting some other gay men. This is clearly one area that I am lacking in my life.

I have never been very good at making friends with other gay men. I have tended to surround myself with straight women, which has really been reinforced since becoming a widower. The few gay widowers that I have come into contact with throughout this journey do not live near me. If I'm going to have the gay male relationships that I desire, then I will need to try something new. I'm not quite sure what that actually entails, but I'm ready to begin.

I don't want to be alone in my life forever. I don't want my kids worrying about their dad, or feeling guilty about the fact that I am so alone. I want some male friendships, and I would love some male "attention" now and then. I'm going to work at being more outgoing, and I am going to work at renewing a sense of optimism.

Wish me luck.


  1. I wish you the very best of luck~!

  2. I get those WTFHID moments too. Seems to go with the territory when you are the type who is always working on some project that is probably, to some extent, part of your coping mechanism for dealing with grief and aloneness. You work hard to create something new - a piece of art, a new project in the garden, or whatever - and then have one of those weird moments that leaves you wondering "what for?". Fortunately, they usually don't last too long, and then it is back to work. Anyhow, I have been trying to see this "construction period" as a phase in rebuilding my life. It sounds like you are doing well making friends, and that is an important phase too. In time, you'll probably begin to make a new network of friends to add, not replace, to the friends you have already made. So much of what we are doing has to build upon something else that had to happen first. SOmetimes, it can be difficult to remain patient and optimistic.

    Well, my big foray into human interaction has been to host a Swedish couchsurfer for 3 nights. He was quite a nice fellow, as was last summer's couchsurfer from France. Also, I have been making myself go to the local farmers' market each weekend, and insead of doing my usual shy wandering around, have made it my goal to make a few small purchases each week and really engage in some kind of conversation with each person. The first week was difficult, but I'm getting much better at coming out of my hermit crab shell to wave a claw around from time to time. (-:

  3. Funny, is that I too actually get myself out of the house now and then, such as your trips to the farmer's market. Once I am home I realize that I had not spoken a single word from the time I left my home to the time I returned. This isn't every time, but more times than not. Funny, but sad. I guess it's my nature to just blend in, and not call too much attention to myself. Next time I'll be sure to leave my protective shell at home.

  4. Yes, try to leave the shell behind. Although I'm an intensely shy and reclusive person, my interactions at the farmers' market have been fun and quite rewarding. I just discovered that one of the produce booths belongs to some young people who are fixing up an old house less than a half mile from my place. They are even newer to the area than me, so seemed happy to learn that I am so nearby. I really do have to force myself to go out on a limb and speak up as this is not natural for me. However, the swedish couchsurfer who came along on Saturday, told me that I seem to be such an easy speaker out in public. I guess it is all a matter of making ourselves try something that goes against our nature.

  5. Good LUCK Dan... I remember looking back at so many things in the past months also thinking..."What the fuck have I done?!" But looking back on them now I can truly say Warren played a part in it all. And it's brought me to a good place. Michael's still there, and probably has a few things up his sleeve set in motion for you....whenever I find myself asking that same WTF question, I just calm myself and know that somewhere in all the chaos, Warren has placed a plan for happiness. I dont know...It's my way of looking at it :) I hope you can find Michael in all of it too. xoxoxoxox

  6. I wish you all the best in this endeavor. It's hard, isn't it? I can be fairly outgoing, but grief has made me so vulnerable... I find I don't know how to even begin to relate to people who don't know my story, but I'm so tired of telling the story over and over. So I tend to stick within my safe group of friends, and there's a lot of comfort there, but I'm not meeting any potential new partners that way...

  7. From Widow in the Middle -
    Go for it! I can remember being amazed that you sold your home, bought a new one and moved. But Sam and I found a small, charming, historic home (1895) in a quiet farming town the state over. Our bid for the house was accepted and the home inspection was conducted just today. We'd be getting married if it weren't for the student aid issues I'm still dealing with for my sons. Anyway, I never believed I'd ever own a home again or meet someone after my husband's death and the divorce with husband #2. But it has come true and your dreams will come true for you too - we close the end of July! Have fun and keep the faith.

  8. WTF have you done? You have moved forward in life and that is a good thing. I hope you meet some new friends soon--it will be good for you.

  9. Ah -- I don't think you are going to need a lot of luck, but I know how hard it is to leave the house (and I bet it would be more challenging with a lovely home like yours!)
    Maybe put some tacks on the couch to push you out the door?