Thursday, May 26, 2011
The New Office
20 months. A nice sounding number.
I started my new job this week. A new transition for me once again. So much new, all the time it seems. For some reason, I didn't prepare myself for the questions, and the feelings that come up with them.
Sitting here in this empty office.
A bit of a blank slate.
White walls, nails where pictures used to hang.
Small holes in the walls where prior residents hung their photos and memories.
Staples where those quick postings were attached, now all torn down.
All that is left behind are indications of others, that used to be. Feels like being surrounded by ghosts.
What am I doing here?
"Hey, what brought you to San Diego?"
It's the question everyone asks, yet clearly no time for any type of meaningful response.
Oh, just needed a change.
Tomorrow I actually move into the office that will be my new home away from home for a significant amount of time each day. I'm realizing how important this environment will be. I really need to be comforted by a space that feels like home, that reflects me, and that I can build on.
Yet, while I wait, and find myself unable to tune out the ghostly walls, the feeling of detachment, and the sense of no history, so I mourn. I want to close the office door. I want to sit and cry. I've never had a private office, and don't know that this is the best time for me to have one. I have too much alone time as it is. I wonder if I'll draw out my sessions with clients longer than my peers, out of sheer loneliness or to fill the empty space.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me. I'm being paid well.
Hey, don't worry about me, I'm surrounded by what seems like very nice people.
Roots will be established, and friendships will be created. My life outside work has improved significantly. I no longer go home and stare at the walls. Well, maybe I still do at times, yet I clearly have options at this point.
I'm pinching myself... yes, he is still gone.
The office is now almost empty. Everyone has left the building. I'm in no hurry. I want to finally say it out loud...
I'm here because my husband died.
I'm here because I wanted to die.
I'm here to continue my healing.
I'm here to start over.
Tomorrow begins the reveal. Tomorrow I set up my new office. Tomorrow they will see the healing nature of how I arrange my space. Tomorrow they will see my family photo. Tomorrow begins the next phase of questions.
"Hey, who is that guy in the photo?"