Saturday, September 10, 2011

Doubled Over

Crying Man

It feels like day one. It hit me as I turned out the lights tonight. I feel so alone in my pain. Why does it still hurt so much?

I feel desperate, like I have a hunger, but nothing to feed me. I need something to hold onto, but what?

I looked around the room, tried to think of something of his, something that will soothe me. Nothing will. Why even try?

I need to see his smile. I need to feel his embrace. Why is this happening all over again?

There's nothing to hold onto. No one to turn to. Nothing that can take the place of what I need. Him.

It feels so unfair. I still don't understand why this had to happen. Why him? He was such a sweet and loving man. He gave me so much. I loved him so much.

I don't want to sleep. I don't want to feel this. I don't want to feel anything any more. Something needs to happen to distract me. Something needs to pull me back out from this abyss. I can't help but feel like I'm being punished. But for what? Why was my happiness cut short, yet others get to live out their happiness year after year? Why must I have to be witness to what others are given, and somehow feel gratitude for what I had?

Fair? Why do others always thank God for what they have? Why do they thank God for all the blessings bestowed upon them? Why do they feel like they are being rewarded for something they have done? What the fuck did I do wrong? If they get to sit and praise God for all their blessings, then what the hell am I supposed to be saying to God at this moment?

Where is all this anger coming from? I wish I knew what lies on the other side. I wish I truly knew if there was another side. Where did Michael go? If he went somewhere else, does he even remember me? He often said he would miss me after he died.

Do you miss me Michael?

Do you know that I am still here?

Are you crying with me? Or are you in bliss?

I wouldn't want to you feel this. I wouldn't want you to worry. I wouldn't want you to be anything but happy. Look into my heart and feel my love. You don't have to take care of me. I'll be just fine. You know I will.


  1. all your questions to God, all the wondering, it is what i do nightly, each morning; sometimes it hits me in the middle of the day. watching people together, i want my life back. my life meaning him. questions we have no answers for. torture. all i know is it's not for us to know.

    i am so sorry it has hit you so hard, all i can say is i know what you are going through and i would not wish it on my Dragon. i would not really wish this on anyone. i do, however, wish you peace.

  2. Your words and thoughts are very familiar to me and way too many others too I guess, perhaps we need a group hug. In the same way as our grief brings us together in this life I wonder if their care for us brings our loved ones together in their next life?
    Just thinking aloud and wishing I was there to bring you a coffee, a hug and warm smile.
    xxx M xxx