Thursday, September 8, 2011


XVI ~~ fatigue

What to do when too restless to sleep.

I'm back to that old pattern of staying up far too late at night. I'm not really doing much other than stare at this damn computer screen. I'm not sure what I'm trying to find, or what I'm wanting to find me. It's just a familiar pattern, one that was a major part of my early grieving process. Of course it's not something that is conducive to being completely productive at work the next day.

This is how that last few nights have been. Then once I do fall asleep I am back awake around 4am each morning. Why? I don't really know.

It was a busy, then emotional day. Nothing seems to satisfy me, and nothing really to hold my interest. Earlier I was laying prone on my bed, feeling too numb to move, then thought for a moment how wonderful it would be if my bed came crashing to the floor. I imagined that I would come crashing down with it, and the force of my fall would cause something to land on my head, and leave me with a huge bump or bruise. I would be in so much physical pain, yet it would feel so real. It would be tangible pain that I could carry with me. I would be able to see it on my face whenever I looked into a mirror. People would stop to ask what the hell happened to me. I would be so preoccupied by the pain, and the visual effects of the fall, that I would lose sight of the fact that I was previously feeling numb, and restless.

I laid there on my bed, waiting for something to happen. The crash never arrived. No physical trauma availed itself to give me some kind of relief from the stalemate that I find myself in. Instead I have been sitting here, for hours, waiting for something to arrive, or something to change.

Nothing. Nothing is happening. Nothing.


  1. I'm in a weird sleep pattern mode too - assisted by two dogs that stand by the bed and stare at me in the dark saying, "We didn't think we needed out before bedtime, but now we do!". Been happening all week between 2 and 4 and then I can't get back to sleep and end up surfing the net with the ipad, which I keep handy on the pillow beside me (an admittedly bad habit).

    I have been getting very antsy. I know why. It is because, after Don died, I quickly dealt with everything and took off across the continent. Now that I have done this three years in a row, my feet start getting itchy in September - itchy for change. Somehow, standing in silence, carefully applying and smoothing plaster to old walls, or scraping paint from an old staircase are not doing it for me. My mind is wandering into the redrock country of Utah, or the white granite and pines of the eastern Sierras. Every so often I stop short and think, "Why in hell am I standing here smoothing plaster when I could be camped under the stars somewhere in the high desert!" Ahem....and then I snap back to reality and realize I am bored and it is time to close up shop. I need more physical activity and something to occupy my mind and expand my horizons. September was ever a busy time for us - we used to sign up for courses - chinese cooking, pottery, arts, etc... We were out hiking and canoeing like mad every spare moment in the wonderful autumn weather.

    I am not dead. It is any wonder that standing still for hours smoothing plaster just isn't enough right now? Maybe you are feeling some of that too. I know you are probably having a quiet reflective week for the same reasons as me. My "day" is now passed and I realize it is time to shift back into gear and get on the road (both metaphorically and literally). Time to get back to working on feeling alive. See how you are feeling a week from now - as the "new year" begins.

    Take care. Be well.

  2. I again find myself realting to your recent post. I too have had that feeling of anticipation or want of something to happen. That something could be tramatic or jarring or hell just anything, anything to break the monotony. I have been trying different things, book club, bike riding, reading, journaling. They have seemed to help if only for a short while, but they have helped.

    I have taken to being online, just surfing, attempting to connect with others, but often find myself hours later, only tired and dry eyed from staring at the screen so long. I don't want to say that there isn't anything that will help the stalemate- there is, it may only be a few things that only help for short while, but they are something, a start.

    I wish I could offer you that idea or suggestion that may help, but remember this, something, no matter what it may be, is something to build on. i hope that sounds ok, I am not quite sure how to best word this. Take care and know you are not alone.