Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Affectile Dysfunction


I desperately need to elevate my mood.

It's a very wet and gloomy day. I am in pain, as my back has been quite sore for days. Unfortunately, ever since the incident with my teenage son, my back has been causing me lots of problems. Here's the biggest problem, the thing that keeps bringing back the pain is the thing I enjoy the most. Gardening.

This has really depressed me. And, just like my grief, no matter what medicine I take, or what ever I try to do, my back pain won't go away.

You know, I hesitate to write, as there doesn't seem much new to say. I go to work each day, and get so much done, as I am a quick, thorough and organized worker. Eventually, like today, there is little left for me to do. I've offered to help other workers with their cases, and have done some work for others, but once again, I sit there bored, with too much time on my hands. I get home and it's more of the same. Because I stay of top of things, there isn't too much to get done there as well. I once again end up bored, with too much time on my hands.

Here's the problem, I used to have more to do during, and after, work. There was more to do at home as well. That more to do was...a life. I used to have a full life. Now, I have lots of empty time. This is further exaggerated due to having little interest in anything. I don't feel like reading. I don't feel like watching television, and nothing else seems to spark anything within me.

I'm feeling old. Older than my years would indicate. I look in the mirror and I see an old man. I move about, and i feel like an overly weathered man. This is really sad.

I keep wondering what it's going to take to regain some of that vitality I once had. Is there some kind of Viagra for the heart and soul? I could sure use the boost. I would sure be nice to see that deflated heart of mine stand up and take notice of the world around me. Even if only for a few hours. At least I would have a little enjoyment that I could look back on with pride and joy. I could walk around with a silly little grin that would tell people that I recently got some...some happiness that is.


  1. you, me, Boo, Deb, so many of us are on the Tilt-a-Whirl of grief experiencing the same things. we can't focus for long. we merely jump through the hoops of life. nothing entertains us for long. and we can't get sleep very well. i wish it were different.

    i understand the physical pain. i wish your gardening did not cause you pain. have you spoken to a doctor, a chiropractor, maybe gone for one of your massages? i hope you can find some relief.

  2. that's just plain mean and cruel that gardening causes pain. I had that with yoga - here I am doing something for my body and soul, and it ended up causing such pain, I had to stop completely. That's just lame. I will say, in the offering of unsolicited advice, I have found the most back-help from a neuro-skeletal osteopath - works wonders, usually.
    I have this same utter profound boredom. A restlessness. Itching to do something, have some measure of life again, and at the same time, disinterested, and protective of myself, as I can lose it so easily, get overwhelmed so quickly. "Hoops of life" - absolutely, S.

  3. And, I can't believe the difference between photos of me from "before" versus who is in the mirror. I am old and drawn and pale, wrinkled in not good ways. Grief leaves some nasty tracks.

  4. It seems that being able to "do stuff" is key to feeling well. After the art installation event, I felt kind of let down, but started a new project and am feeling okay again. I'm a doer type, so being without interesting projects really sucks. I hope you get feeling better and back to gardening soon.

    You may have already pursued this possibility, but a friend who has a lot of back and other health problems has found a very good acupuncturist who seems to work miracles. She is really the only one who has been able to help him. Anyhow, might be worth a try.

  5. I've been feeling much the same way. Old before my time, depressed, in pain... and discouraged because my "new life" doesn't feel like much of a life. It sucks. I'm sorry you're stuck in this place, too. Hope we both find a way out of it soon.

  6. Ugh. Yes.
    I've been having acupuncture for sleep: in hopes of breaking this horrible pattern, she says, online at 11:30 pm....
    it does seem to be gradually helping, like peeling away an onion. It took a long time to get here, I guess it will take a while to get away from here too.
    I recently saw some pictures of myself taken two days after Jeff died, and I had written on one of them, "I don't want to feel the way these look again anytime soon." But I looked way better then than now. That was not good to see.
    It is so hard to feel like this all the time. I honestly don't know what I do to fill the hours between sunrise and sunset some days. I used to get a lot done. But I'm not the same person anymore. I am not sure who I am anymore, yet, now ?