Affectile Dysfunction

I desperately need to elevate my mood.

It's a very wet and gloomy day. I am in pain, as my back has been quite sore for days. Unfortunately, ever since the incident with my teenage son, my back has been causing me lots of problems. Here's the biggest problem, the thing that keeps bringing back the pain is the thing I enjoy the most. Gardening.

This has really depressed me. And, just like my grief, no matter what medicine I take, or what ever I try to do, my back pain won't go away.

You know, I hesitate to write, as there doesn't seem much new to say. I go to work each day, and get so much done, as I am a quick, thorough and organized worker. Eventually, like today, there is little left for me to do. I've offered to help other workers with their cases, and have done some work for others, but once again, I sit there bored, with too much time on my hands. I get home and it's more of the same. Because I stay of top of things, there isn't too much to get done there as well. I once again end up bored, with too much time on my hands.

Here's the problem, I used to have more to do during, and after, work. There was more to do at home as well. That more to do was...a life. I used to have a full life. Now, I have lots of empty time. This is further exaggerated due to having little interest in anything. I don't feel like reading. I don't feel like watching television, and nothing else seems to spark anything within me.

I'm feeling old. Older than my years would indicate. I look in the mirror and I see an old man. I move about, and i feel like an overly weathered man. This is really sad.

I keep wondering what it's going to take to regain some of that vitality I once had. Is there some kind of Viagra for the heart and soul? I could sure use the boost. I would sure be nice to see that deflated heart of mine stand up and take notice of the world around me. Even if only for a few hours. At least I would have a little enjoyment that I could look back on with pride and joy. I could walk around with a silly little grin that would tell people that I recently got some...some happiness that is.