Wednesday, July 6, 2011

First Date

table for two
In quite some time.

I need to admit something. I often hesitate to state how many years we were together, or how long we were married, as the number of years doesn't even convey an ounce of the love, and loss, that I have gone through. I know that for many I have met along this journey, they have had a life time together. For us, it was only just beginning when it ended.

It's put me into an odd fit of a category really. Most of the widowed that I have met who are my age, tend to have been those that were married 20 plus years. Those that had their relationships ended quite early, tend to be much younger than me. This is a dynamic that continues to make me feel displaced, and frankly, a bit confused as to how to proceed from here.

Well, I'll say it, it has been over 5 years since I have been out on a date. To some it's not so long. To others, it may seem like a life time. For me, it's a timeless occurrence, as I feel like I have loved Michael forever. And, at the same time, I feel like I have been without him forever.

For several months now I have toyed with the idea of dating again. I posted a few profiles on select dating sites, and cast them into the web. Yet, at the time, I knew I wasn't ready. I now know that what I was doing was taking small steps forward.

Well, this Friday I will be taking the next step forward. I will be going on my first date since...

It's someone I have exchanged a few friendly emails with. I haven't invested too much time into this, as I want to meet, and get to know guys, face to face. I don't want to set myself up having these extended online relationships that only disappoint when we realize that in person, there is just not the right chemistry. So, without too much personal investment, thus far, I will be headed out, feeling anxious, but optimistic.

Enough said.


  1. I hope you have a great time, Dan. :)
    This is something.
    Something good. Whatever happens, you're are reaching towards the future, and yet carrying Michael in your heart where he will always be. I'm happy for you.

  2. Yay, and terrifying. Go you.

    Matt and I also had a comparatively short time of 5 years. I hesitate on sharing that number, for many of those same reasons. When you have spent so much of your life independent, to finally come home, to be home - well. I suppose I don't need to finish that statement.

    love you.

    ps - my security word was torture. Nice.

  3. i also hope you have a great time. i hope he is someone who makes you laugh. please let us know how it goes. {and when someone asks how long Dragon and i were married i hedge and say with the appropriate emotion that i know will back them off, "a long time, but, regrettably not a lifetime."}


  4. Dan,

    I hope that your first date is everything you wish for. It doesn't have to be "the one" (or "the new one"), just someone you can have fun with and get your feet wet with. I cannot imagine how scared you are, and excited all at the same time. Go in to it with few expectations except to have a wonderful evening out.

    Love you!

  5. I have butterflies for you Dan! Though, not as many as I'm sure you must have . . .

    Regarding the time together - even with Elias and I at 13yrs together, I sometimes feel sheepish that it wasn't the 20+yrs that others have had. Of course, any time you lose the love of your life, it was never long enough (love Susan's statement on that).

    And, anyone who understands true love would understand the intensity from day one. If I had lost Elias even a year into our relationship I know it would have been devastating (an argument we had early on where I 'thought' he said he didn't want to be with me brought on deep, uncontrollable sobs. . . turns out he said he 'couldn't imagine NOT being with me' - imagine his confusion!)

    Hope you have a wonderful time, my dear friend. I'll be thinking of you!


  6. Seems to me that this is one of those situations where quality, not quantity, would apply. Good luck with your meet up. I hope it turns out to be fun and interesting, no matter what the outcome.

  7. hope all goes well... and that it will be kind and fun date.. for both of you.

  8. Hi,

    I have just stumbled across your blog and I am SO happy to have found it. My partner died on 15th June, just over 3 weeks ago and we had been inseparable since meeting just over 6 years ago. We got Married in 2006 and had always been happy.

    I felt so alone and like nobody understood, even though I blog and have turned over our website to be more of a tribute to Steve to try and explain to help others understand.

    You've just got another new reader,
    xxx Mark xxx

  9. Dear Dan,

    Lee in San Francisco here. I have continued my writing and I think you may be a regular reader of my blog. If that is so, then you already know about some of my recent struggles with feelings of loneliness. I've also been spending a lot of time with my friend T.J. These are confusing times as I have developed some strong feelings of love for him. He is my friend and I love him as such. However I'm also feeling a "crush" for him. What is the point of telling you all of this? Perhaps to connect with you knowing that you are on a journey of dating. I'm trying to be patient with my feelings and let the friendship I have with T.J. be enough. I don't want to push him away. I value him and his friendship too much.

    Although I'm doing a lot of things, I'm still having some pretty serious ups and downs. I just want to feel normal again.

    Hope to hear from you. Next time you're in SF please feel free to contact me.

    All my best to you,