Tuesday, July 26, 2011



You know, I have avoided writing lately. It's not that I've been busy, as there have been many quiet evenings. It's also not like I'm just sitting around doing nothing, as I hosted a fun gathering with friends last weekend, and have been quite busy transplanting two magnolia, and one palm, tree from the front yard to the back. I guess you could say my life has been quite normal.

Then why am I so depressed?

I can't shake it. My mood has been terribly low. Actually, extremely low today. I feel like either I'm very sad, or I'm not feeling anything at all. It wouldn't be so bad if I only had myself to worry about, but that is so not the case. I have a 13 year old that needs me, and needs me to be something beyond depressed.

I felt so bad tonight. I picked up my son from camp, and took him shopping for new shoes. Afterward we stopped for dinner, and that's when I realized that I had nothing to say, and I wasn't really focused on what he might be trying to share with me.

Is it time to get back on antidepressants? Last week the pharmacy mistakenly filled an old prescription for an antidepressant I was on in the past. It's sitting there on the table, ready to return when I get a chance. Now I'm wondering if it was just meant to be. Are there really mistakes in life? I don't know what to think.

I do know that I have really avoided my emotions for awhile. It's not that I have been in denial. I know what I'm feeling at any given moment. It's just that I have avoided tears. Yes, there has been no tears for quite some time. I needed a break from them. I was past the point of daily, even weekly tears. I was...shit



  1. Thinking of you my friend. And praying .....

  2. words expressing how i feel all the time. i wish you peace. i miss hearing from you.

  3. There will be times - maybe always - but also not so sad or so often.

  4. I have been meaning to write you a thank you note, to write many thank you notes, for some time, yet being in my own lil’ grief hole again hasn’t been easy. I’ve sort of lost touch a bit with the blogging world in general. I do want you to know that your generous gift to my family was a wonderful blessing for us. I was overwhelmed with the support that poured our way. Truly overwhelmed. Thank you. May your kindness be returned to you manifold… and then some.

    I remember a therapist I was seeing a couple of years ago (when going through a divorce) saying that a depressed parent is the worst parent for a child. I had anxiety issues then, but the sentence has stuck with me and I often wonder how “being in the hole” affects my children, esp. the teens who are sort of in need for someone with a positive outlook on life. And I suppose them seeing me drink some wine and get all talkative and happy then (cause I can’t take much alcohol) is probably not the best thing to see either. ;-)

    When Brent died, I was pregnant. After Nuriel was born I went to a 4/5 position and thus lost health insurance, thus anti-depressants have never been an option for me. My midwife was willing to prescribe them, but at the time I didn’t want to get the postpartum depression label as I felt it would make me look like a shitty parent. (I only feel that way about myself; not others.) I have always responded well to homeopathics and I have taken my share of Sedalia off and on.

    Avoidance. Been there, done that, too...

    All that being said, I’d say, Trust your intuition when it comes to deciding about meds! Human intuition is a great thing. You can’t go wrong – whatever it is you decide to do!

    Much love and blessings to you!

  5. I lost my partner Dan nineteen weeks ago this past Friday. He was my best friend, business partner and soul mate for 23+ years and we had an amazing life together. He died completely unexpectedly of a heart attack while I was working at my parent's old house in preparation for an Estate Sale there.
    I found him and tried CPR until the ambulance arrived but to no avail. My faith in God, "messages" from Dan, as well as the loving support of family and friends has helped me survive this extraordinary, painful loss. I have been striving to pull out "positives" as a special tribute in my Love of him. I was able to raise over $1,000 in Dan's honor for Hunger Meals my church does weekly and volunteer to help out there preparing and serving meals. I have also lost 35 lbs since the day he died. Even though I am 6'5" I had peaked at 255. Dan was always trying to get me to excercise with him more often since he was afraid that I might die of a heart attack. In fact the day he died he had biked around our neighborhood, swam 40 laps and was doing free weights just before he died. This was not unusual for him since he had been going through an extended "Mid Life Crisis" for the past ten years!

    I have learned so much from this loss, namely empathy for others who are in the same boat so to speak as well as appreciation of the people who are still with us in our lives. It doesn't take all the pain away. Until just recently I have cried hard every day for the past 4 months.
    Now its just every other day. It is so disabilitating as you know. I just read an excellent book called "Life after Loss" which has helped greatly. Tears are good and you have to get through this. It takes an avg of 3 years.
    If you haven't read this book check it out. It is excellent!

  6. My dearest Dan,
    I know everyone is different while experiencing this journey of grief. For me your statement about not having tears and avoiding tears is an alien concept. My tears come whenever and wherever I happen to be, be it in private at home or in public on the street car or in Starbucks. It makes no difference. My emotions just push the tears to the surface and out my eyes. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't understand what it's like to not have tears. I don't mean to be contrary. It's just how I feel.

    Love to you,