Thursday, July 14, 2011

It's Raining Men






















Remember that Martha Wash song?

Well...

They seem to be everywhere these days. It seem like not so long ago I was sitting here, night after night, in my home, staring at the walls, feeling incredibly lonely, and now I have had three dates, with three men, in one week's time.

Am I a slut?

Well, if I slept with each of them I suppose that would earn me my slut-ville key to the city. It's just that a few guys approached me online about the same time, and I began exchanging nice, and interesting, emails with them. Not all live near me, so it didn't seem likely that I would find myself caught with too many dating opportunities at once, but that is in fact what happened.

This week I arranged for my son to attend a surf camp, where he would have a week of fun in the sun, camping with other kids his age. And, since I would suddenly have lots of unencumbered evening time, I put a message out to these nice guys, that I could be available for a dinner date. Two responded, and I made my plans. Then, the unexpected happened. I ran into a guy that I had traded passing glances, and one brief introduction to in May, and suddenly I had a third potential date. All that happened in the course of a couple of days, and I found myself having a bit of a panic attack at my desk Monday morning.

Here I am with several possible suitors, and I don't even know if I'm ready to be dating. I don't even know who I am completely. I don't even have worked out how to present my past, and my dead husband, to potential romantic partners. See my dilemma? And, as it turns out, they are all really nice guys. What does one do? Even back in the day, when I used to do some brief, and casual dating, I never really had the problem of having to juggle several dates at once.

What's interesting, and I didn't have time to get back to Chelsea about this, but she informed me about a dream she had the night before last. One that included Michael, and me, and the possibility of someone new being welcomed into my life. That same night, I had one of these guys over to the house, and as we sat in my living room talking, I realized that Michael was likely smiling. I was positive that he would be so proud to see me really starting to live again. I am also positive that he would revel in the idea that I might begin being sexually active once again. It's what he wanted for me. Well, to be loved, not necessarily to get laid.

What do I want? I want to feel alive every now and then. I know that my grief won't go away, and that I still have much to go through, but maybe, just maybe, I don't have to do it all while sitting alone in my house. Maybe I can take on more than one theme in life right now.

Grief and Happiness.

Grief and Pleasure.

Grief and Companionship.

At the same time, I am also keenly aware of the fear that should I allow myself to feel anything other than grief, that I could lose it in a second, and fall harder than I ever imagined. Yet, even as I write those words I am reminding myself that nothing could be as painful as those early days, so in that case, it's worth the risk of possibly finding some happiness, pleasure and companionship.

10 comments:

  1. Dan - this gives me goosebumps! How interesting that the dream happened on the same night as a date where you imagined Michael smiling about the steps you are taking . . .

    I really got a sense of his pride in you in my dream, and I don't doubt it at all.

    Now, how about you dream up a little tall, dark and handsome for me - would ya!? =)

    ~C~

    ReplyDelete
  2. I know that my grief won't go away, and that I still have much to go through, but maybe, just maybe, I don't have to do it all while sitting alone in my house. Maybe I can take on more than one theme in life right now.

    This seems to be a very important point to remember. I don't think we "grieve better" when we sit around in self-imposed isolation. Why not do other things, grow, learn, socialize, etc..? It is not like we are one trick ponies. We can handle more than one assignment, be it dating, traveling, starting a business or a new job, going back to university. Grief should not be a form of confinement or imprisonment, but instead a transitional phase to the next chapter in our lives. Glad it is raining men there. Here, it has been raining couchsurfers and visitors and aging neighbours who are in need of a helping hand with a few things this year. There is time and room for all.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I want you to be loved again, and to feel that amazing in love feeling again, because .... you were born to love and be loved.

    In fact if you weren't gay I would stalk you till you agreed to marry me ... I know I'd have competition - Andrea, Chels, ....

    ReplyDelete
  4. OK, first ..... Boo -- TOO FUNNY!!!!! And what an amazingly huge line of women there would be!
    Second, Dan ..... OMG! Please send whatever vibes (minus the gay part) that you seem to be sending out down here to Texas .... where it is not only NOT raining men, but it's not even raining .... period!!
    I am just a wee bit green with envy ..... THREE DATES IN ONE WEEK???????
    I'm starting to think I should just give up on men and start batting for the other team. Not that there's a long line of women outside my door, either.
    I'm just jealous. Plain and simple.
    So I shall live vicariously through you, Dan.
    Lucky, lucky man.
    Enjoy.
    One day at a time.
    Enjoy .... for the rest of us.
    :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. I think it is the people who rush into things without any reflection or contemplation that get into trouble. The fact that you're on top of your emotions and feelings is a plus. My biggest widowhood regret was waiting too long before dating again. You don't have to know all the answers to share a nice, good meal with an attractive and interesting man. We become better people because of our interactions with others. Enjoy all of your new experiences.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Dan,

    For a while I thought I wanted to date and was ready to fall in love. After two crushes/infatuations with two different men, I finally figured out that it wasn't love happening but the longing and loneliness talking; and talking quite loudly at times. I'm not ready to be on a "date". However I am definitely ready to go to a movie and dinner with a friend. I feel like I'm in a rut and a night out with a friend would feel so good.

    Thank you for your writing. It helps me a lot.

    My heart is with you,
    Lee

    ReplyDelete