Wednesday, May 11, 2011
I'm not really sure why I'm writing here today, as I haven't felt much like writing lately. I'm going through a period of time that I like to call my Walking the Walk time. For most of my first year here, I was pretty much focused on Talking the Talk. That is not to say I wasn't actively "doing" something, but I was mostly focused on recording my thoughts, than out pursuing a change in my life.
It's funny, because I often find myself being quite careful in my word choices here. I don't want to come off as sounding critical of my own prior behavior and choices,and I don't want to come off as being judgemental of how others are spending their time. I just feel the need to be a bit self critical, as in an analytical, of my current state of being.
Writing this blog, and posting any clean, or dirty, laundry, is my way of taking little snapshots of where I am at, or where I think I am at. I suppose these snapshots are open for your critical analysis, but probably best kept to yourself. I'm much more fragile than these word choices appear.
Recently I made a correlation between 12 step meetings, and support group gatherings for the widowed. I was half joking, but there is always some element of truth in my humor. In the past, I made regular use of Al Anon Meetings to help me deal with issues being faced with my daughter's choices. I found these meetings both satisfying, and quite rewarding. They taught me that there is so much value in the experience of others. If you haven't attended a 12 step meeting, there is always the disclaimer given at the beginning of the meeting, reminding those that gather that there is no cross talk, and that we are not there to give, and receive, advice. I know that for some, the question then becomes, then what is the point of such a meeting.
The meeting, as is this blog, is so that by hearing of an other person's daily challenges with this area of their life, we can see similarities, reflections, from our own life. It then becomes a catalyst for further self examination, and also encourages our own thoughts and feelings to rise to the surface. I always tell my children to be patient with their feelings, and let them fully rise to the surface before acting on them. By doing this, I am able to respond to, or reflect, on a deeper level, rather than off the cuff.
My writing is there for that same purpose. It gives way to my own deeper stirrings, that may rise later in my post, or later in my day. This is the same internal interaction that occurs when I visit other blogs. I do, at times, leave encouraging words, but mostly I tend to reflect on what their words have touched on in me.
So, what was the purpose to all of this rambling anyway?
I have a lot of time on my hands currently, being in between jobs. What's interesting is that the weather has not been that great, so my plan to do some exterior house painting, or further landscaping, have had to be put to the side. In their place have been a lot of connections, or attempted connections, with other people. I am doing a lot of writing, but primarily through chat room conversations with others online. I don't usually enjoy this mode of connection, but it has been both interesting, and encouraging, for me.
I am putting more attention into developing a better social life for me here in San Diego. I am talking to other gay men about the new direction in my life, and what I am seeking in way of new relationships. I am also seeing myself beyond the life imposed label of widower. While this label has come up here and there, it is just one of many that fit into the list of descriptors that help others get to know me. I like that. I like that I am being reminded that there are many sides to me, and that my being widowed is not always going to be the most dominant descriptor that I rely on.
It's all good.
Posted by Dan at 8:11 AM