Feeling Stuck

Today I feel so stuck!
Originally uploaded by Jerry Lentz

Tonight I'm feeling a bit down on myself. All weekend the kids and I have been boxing up household items we don't use daily, and putting them into a new storage locker that I rented. We then went through all of their things once again, and bagged up items that we want to drop off at the local Salvation Army for donation. Yesterday the boys and I emptied all the contents of their attic bedrooms, furniture included, so that new carpet could be installed today. Then this afternoon, all of us put everything back in the boys rooms. All of this took many trips up and down the stairs, and now my poor body is feeling a bit achy.

In spite of yesterday's hard work, I also managed to cook dinner, which doesn't happen very often around here any more. To be fair to myself, we are very busy trying to ready the house in the event that we are moving sometime soon, and with that, putting the house up for sale. Yet, as I ran an errand this afternoon, and brought home dinner, I began to miss the days long past when Michael and I cooked almost every meal.

I could tell that the kids have missed the home cooked meals, as they each made such a fuss about yesterday's dinner. This is one area where I have yet to fully recover from the initial shock to my system that happened when Michael died. It's been almost 9 months now, and I still have not yet picked up my stride. And while it's not like my kids go without, I do feel terrible that I haven't been able to get back much of my groove.

There are other indicators that also tell me how much I am slacking off. Summer is here, and I have yet to look into a summer day camp for my youngest son. Every year I have him registered in a camp that can keep him occupied, and out enjoying summer activities with other kids. This year I haven't scheduled one thing. I kept meaning to do it, but have nothing but lame excuses to give myself.

And although we had a lot to accomplish on the house these past three days, I should have done something with the kids to acknowledge the end of the school year. I should have taken them somewhere, or did something. Now I am heading off to work in the morning, and I have nothing in place for them.

Again, I get that I am doing the best that I can. I get that I am still hurting from losing Michael, hurting more than I am willing to admit, but I don't like how my life feels at the moment. I wish I could rise above all this, and move forward easier. I wish that I could do more for, and with, my kids.

I trust that life will get easier, and possibly better. It's just that I feel so stuck right now. I feel stuck on the fact that I miss him so much. My mind tells me that he is gone, and there is nothing that is going to change that. I can never have him back. Death is about as final as it gets. So what is it about final that my heart doesn't seem to understand?

A note of appreciation.

Thank You note card
Originally uploaded by you can count on me

Let's chat.

There seems to be a lot of chatter on my blog today. I love it. I think we need to take our lead where ever we are moved to get out our thought, or feelings. I love the Internet. It has opened up so many portals for people to interact. I, for one, have greatly benefited from it.

I often think of how this mode of communication is so good for those who are geographically isolated, yet in need of companionship. I, again, for one, am not geographically isolated, but you wouldn't know that from my use of the Internet.

It has been my way during these past eight months, to somewhat isolate myself from the people I live close to. I haven't had the energy to step outside my home, other than during work hours, to find connections. I probably should, but rather than brow beat myself for what I am not doing, I am focusing on what I am doing.

I am a bit of a loner. I like being alone. I like the quiet, and I like the calm. This is odd coming from someone who chose to live in a big city. Is San Francisco a big city? I'm not really sure.

When I first came here I made good use of all that a busy city has to provide. I was much younger, and going to grad school. I shared an apartment with my best friend. We were both students. Worked part time, and both had our own interests. For quite some time my interests were going out to clubs, going to the theatre, and going to the gym. I really enjoyed all that San Francisco had to offer. But as time has gone on, as I became a parent, and as I became a partner and a husband, I kind of settled into a bit more domestic approach to life.

One thing that used to be a big part of my life, especially with Michael, was travel. We both loved to travel, and travelled well together. I remember him saying early on, that he had never met anyone that it was so easy to travel with. We both just seemed to enjoy the same things while of vacations. We both loved to relax in the sun, lay by some water, and wear as little as possible. What more could you ask for? Now that Michael is gone, I don't expect that I will travel much anymore, or at least for quite some time. It is one of those things that will be very difficult for me to enjoy without him. Rather than push myself, I think I will just put it aside.

What has taken over my life these days are the very words you are reading. I spend a good amount of time writing. It has become my focus, and it has become my passion. I wish I had more time for it, as I have many ideas for topics to discuss other than my grief. I suppose there will be opportunity for the other topics at another time. I'm not too worried about it. I suspect that this is where I belong right now. When I feel that the time is right, then I will make a change in my direction.

For now, I can be found here. You are my community, and I gain so much from each of you. I love the fact that where ever I reside, San Francisco or San Diego, I take each of you with me. As long as I have electricity, I have a connection to each of you. And I must say, it is very freeing to sit her in my home, and to write exactly what I want to say. I don't have to worry about how I say it, as it is my forum. Nobody is forced to be here. Well, perhaps a few of my friends are. You know, in fear that I may one day ask what they think of my writing, then to have pretend like they follow my blog! I'm kidding of course. I tell friends that I don't write for any of them, or for anybody specifically. I write for me. And, if in my writing you are so moved to comment, or to return for more, then all the better.

This has given me a new sense of freedom. It's a freedom that I so enjoy, and need. Michael knew that I would need this, and that is why he bought me this computer. There is not one day that goes by when I don't appreciate this gift.

There is also not one day that goes by when I don't appreciate all of you. There have been so many people that have reached out to me through this blog. There have also been so many people who have mentioned to me that they read my writing. I am sometimes quite surprised by who has found their way here. I think that many of us come here, and places like this, for many reasons. I came here out of my grief. Many of you did as well. Some came her looking for me, such as my friends, as a way to understand me, and to be part of my journey. Many of you came her for reasons known only to yourself. Let me say this, Thank You.

As you might have picked up from my tone, I am having a very good day. That doesn't mean that sorrow isn't sitting here next to me. It simply means that today, the joy of knowing that I am not on this journey alone, is allowing me to feel connected, to feel satisfied.

This has given my life some purpose, and some satisfaction.

Let me make you a bit more comfortable.

Focus
Originally uploaded by Nicholas Maleno

It has been an interesting couple of days as far as talking about Michael's death goes. Yesterday I was in a meeting at a school regarding a teenage client of mine. His attorney was present, and I have known her for many years. While we were waiting for one last person to arrive, I told her that I was planning on moving to San Diego. This came up because many people in my office have chosen to retire recently, and it is all the talk these days. When I mentioned that I too would be taking an early retirement, she looked shocked. She asked how this was possible. I explained that you could take a service retirement once you are 50 and have 20 years on the job. She then began to ask about my plans, which led her to ask if my daughter would be joining me in the move. I explained that yes, although she is 19, she still lives at home. I went on to say how all the kids are very excited about the move, and then talked about how each one reacted to my decision. She then said to me, "well, isn't your partner going with you," meaning I hadn't brought his name up. I suddenly felt like I had walked right into a wall.

She must have seen a startled reaction when I explained that he had died eight months ago. She was obviously shocked by the news, and felt quite embarrassed for not knowing this. She quickly apologized for not knowing, and for bringing this up. I quickly let her know that it was fine, that there was no harm in her not knowing this.

This afternoon I was loading up the car to put some boxes in my storage unit. My neighbor from across the street came over to say hello, and asked if I was making one of my regular trips to the Salvation Army to make a donation. I explained that I was planning on moving, and was busy packing up some of the house. She was also shocked by this news. She then said that she only recently learned that my husband had passed away. At the time she too had been diagnosed with cancer, and had undergone surgery, and then chemotherapy. She wanted to offer her sympathy. I found myself explaining about how it has been for myself and the kids, and why I have chosen to make this move.

This is a clear example of why our grieving process is not as simple as others would like to think. I find it somewhat similar to the coming out process. Being gay means that I will always be in the process of coming out to people. Because life brings new people, and new situations, to my life, I am always in the position to come out to others. Until the day arrives when people naturally ask, "are you gay or straight," then I will always be in a situation where I need to correct someone when they assume I have a wife. My kids have also had to come out each school year, as they always have a new teacher, or classmate, who may ask about their parents, or about their mother. They then always have that moment, when they need to explain that their father is gay, and that their other father died. This is not an easy process for them.

This is how it feels to now explain to people that my husband has died. Some, like the attorney, or my neighbor, know that I had a husband, and might naturally ask about him. Others may not know, and ask if I am married. In each case, I am then left with the decision to explain that yes, I was married, but that my husband passed away. Of course this is always met with discomfort, so I am then in the position of having to make the other person feel better about the fact that they may have brought up something painful.

You don't know how many times over the years that I have said the words, "oh, well, I'm gay, it's okay, I don't have a wife, I have a husband," or, "don't worry, you had no way of knowing that my husband had died." I am quite familiar with the process. I have lots of experience at this point in making the embarrassed, or shocked, person standing before me feel a bit less awkward, and a bit more at ease.

Here, let me help you be a little more comfortable with who, or what, I am.

Thank you for being a friend.

I was so saddened yesterday to hear that Rue McClanahan had died. We here, at my house, are big time "Golden Girls" fans. For years I have enjoyed the humor, great acting, and perfect comedic timing of all the Golden Girls. They each brought such individual charisma to the show, and to this day, someone is always watching their show throughout week in my home, especially my daughter.



Today, after work, I came directly down to my bedroom to relax, and to work on the new support group I am starting for gay widowers. Just a bit ago I decided to go back up for a bit of a break, and found my daughter watching back to back episodes of the 'Girls' on the WE network. I sat down to watch with her, and found that the episode playing was "Mrs. George Devereaux," where Blanche (Rue) was having these recurrent dreams of her deceased husband. In her dream Blanche finds that she has a secret admirer. When she finds out who the secret admirer is, she is shocked to learn that it is George, her husband that died nine year prior. I don't remember if they say how this happened, but the focus of the story line is that Blanche is feeling so many mixed emotions. She and Rose both talk about how they never got to say goodbye to their deceased husbands because of their unexpected deaths. In the dream Blanche is torn about whether to see George or not. She is feeling so angry to find out that he never died. Yet in this recurrent dream, Rose tells her that she would give anything to have her husband back, if even for a single moment.


Toward the end of the episode Blanche has her recurrent dream once again. In her dream she is able to make peace with George. She is able to forgive him for being gone all this time. He is able to forgive her for the things she feels guilty about. In the end, Blanche and George share an embrace, and she wakes up. The other 'Girls' gather around her when they hear her talking in her sleep. Blanche shares with them that even though it has been nine years, she still misses him so much. She talks about how painful it has been to have this same dream night after night, yet this particular night it ended differently. She got to hold him, and be held by him. She wraps her own arms around herself tightly, and says that she can still feel his embrace. The scene ends with Blanche saying goodnight to the 'Girls.' She lays back down in her bed, and reaches over to "his side of the bed." Her hand gently caresses his pillow, she smiles, and drifts back to sleep.


I have never consciously remembered seeing Michael in any of my dreams since he died. Recently I woke up feeling that he was present during one of my dreams, yet there was no visual to support it. But just feeling his essence, or his presence, brought me immediately to tears. I look forward to a time when I do find him in a dream. And, I too, like Blanche, would love to feel his embrace, for one last time. Until then, I will also continue to reach out to his side of the bed, and wait for that sense of peace to wash over me as well.

Shades of Blue-Gay Widow(er)s

I have started an online LGBT bereavement support group. As a quick reference caption, I have used the term "Gay Widow(er)s." Please know that this is meant to be inclusive for all LGBT or Q identified widow(er)s. I hope this group can be of help to other widow(er)s, who like myself, find themselves struggling to find a sense of healing. If you are interested please follow the link, and request to become a member. If there are other ways in which I can offer you suport, please feel free to ask.

We are here for you.

Shades of Blue

Peace & Love

Love & peace rose
Originally uploaded by crlpix (Away)

Here is my process. After a long day at work, and getting the kids settled in for the night, I often will drift down into my bedroom, and open my laptop while sitting on my bed. While my computer is booting up, I will light a candle or two to help center me, and to keep vigil with Michael. It is something that I will likely continue, at least until the end of this first year.

Once I return to my bed, I sit up against the headboard, open up my blogger account, and take a deep breath. I go directly to the New Post field, and begin. There is rarely any forethought given to what I will write about. Sometimes I sit there, worried that I will not find anything to say, but always, within minutes, my fingers and mind become one .

I am trying to welcome peace and loving feelings into my life today. I have sat with my deep sorrow for several days now. I am finding it difficult to pull myself out of it. Not to say that I am putting much effort in that direction, but I know that dwelling here will not be good for me in the end. It was only two months ago that these familiar feelings took me to an all time low. For the first time, or the first serious time, I was questioning whether death was more preferable to life. I sometime envy Michael, for as many tell me, he is at peace. If he is not, then he must be minimally having a good time.

I wish for peace. I don't think I mentioned here before, but last month I had more tattoos put on my left arm. On my upper arm I had these words written for me to focus on:

Peace Comes From Within

Do Not Seek It Without.

These words are attributed to the Buddha. Further below this message is a Mandala, which is there to remind me of my place in this universe, and as a call to meditate. I wish I could report that it is serving this purpose. So far it is reminding me that I wanted to remind myself to meditate. But as my therapist once reminded me, my practice of daily writing is in itself a form of mindful meditation. It is a constant flow of my thoughts and inner stirrings.

When I do take the time for meditation, I try not to make it such a serious time. I don't get too upset if I am not able to clear my mind. That is why I am so attracted to the idea of mindfulness, as it teaches me to comfortably allow thoughts to drift in, and drift out. There is no right, there is no wrong. Well, please don't share this philosophy with any of my children.

Tonight I seek to open myself further. I welcome peace back into my life. I honor the peacefulness that I learned from Michael. He was a very calm person, and valued solitude. Most of our late evenings were spent sitting quietly next to one another in bed at night. One of us might be reading, or writing, while the other usually had his nose stuck in his Sudoku book. Often during this quiet hour, we would gently reach for each other's hand, or give a loving smile. We saw the importance of having this time, and yet also needed to be mindful of each other in the process. This is the memory that carries me off to sleep each night. This is where I seek comfort, or refuge from the stress of the day.

I was a very fortunate man. Something led Michael to me. What ever that was, or who ever that was, I am reminded tonight to offer my gratitude. There are so many forces in this world, and many of those forces go unnoticed. In many ways love is so simple. It, in and of itself, doesn't require much effort. Relationships, yes, love, no.

Tonight I am holding love. I am holding love in a very quiet place. I am not clinging to it. I am not forcing it in any direction. I am not trying to understand it, nor am I trying to define it. Tonight I am choosing to simply experience it.

Peace and Love.

Weary

I am sitting here drowning my sorrows in a loaf of Judy's Vegan Whole Wheat Breadsticks. It is my one vice. Yes, I am a bread junkie. This is my comfort food.

Today was a very long day. After work I picked up my youngest son to get him to his guitar lesson. While at the mall I decided to buy new phones for the kids, as two had lost theirs, and one had taken his for a swim during our spring vacation in San Diego. I was feeling generous, and needed to be able to reach them when I am at work. I also kind of saw this as a bit of a moving gift. They have all been such good sports about my desire to move to San Diego. I know they are each looking forward to the move, but I also know they are being very agreeable for my sake. I also know that as clues keep coming in that I will be offered the job very soon, they are worrying about saying goodbye to all of their friends.

Because of these after-work activities, I didn't get home tonight until close to 9pm. Since I left the house at 7:30am, it has been a very long day. After handing the kids their dinner, and phones, I came directly down to my bedroom. I knew what was coming, as I had been using a lot of emotional strength all evening to not break down in public. I laid down on my bed and unleashed the tears. There was no real reason for tonight's down pouring, I just needed a good cry. I feel so much better for doing so.

It's funny, today I was missing my wedding ring. Not missing as in misplaced it, but I was really feeling it's absence from my ring finger. What's also odd, is that I seem to miss it most when I am interacting with others. Some how I feel uneasy presenting myself as single, you know, without a wedding ring. I still don't feel single, but I'm also trying to get more comfortable not relying on putting out there that I am currently married. It's something that I am struggling with.

Earlier, when I first got home, I was lying across my bed. I think I was crying so strongly because I so desperately needed his arms around me. His touch has become so painfully absent from my life, and with time the absence gets felt almost stronger. I sometimes think that it gets easier in between my giving in to this need, but when I do allow the reality of his being gone to hit me, I feel it so much deeper. Now at almost 9 months out, I feel so much despair at the reality that he will never be back.

Tonight's pain is being experienced like an assault on my heart. I feel like I am being stabbed with a blunt knife, and the pain reverberates throughout my body. There is also a weariness about me. This is likely the reason I am feeling so vulnerable.

Weary of mind.

Weary of body.

Weary of soul.