Sunday, June 6, 2010
A note of appreciation.
Thank You note card
Originally uploaded by you can count on me
There seems to be a lot of chatter on my blog today. I love it. I think we need to take our lead where ever we are moved to get out our thought, or feelings. I love the Internet. It has opened up so many portals for people to interact. I, for one, have greatly benefited from it.
I often think of how this mode of communication is so good for those who are geographically isolated, yet in need of companionship. I, again, for one, am not geographically isolated, but you wouldn't know that from my use of the Internet.
It has been my way during these past eight months, to somewhat isolate myself from the people I live close to. I haven't had the energy to step outside my home, other than during work hours, to find connections. I probably should, but rather than brow beat myself for what I am not doing, I am focusing on what I am doing.
I am a bit of a loner. I like being alone. I like the quiet, and I like the calm. This is odd coming from someone who chose to live in a big city. Is San Francisco a big city? I'm not really sure.
When I first came here I made good use of all that a busy city has to provide. I was much younger, and going to grad school. I shared an apartment with my best friend. We were both students. Worked part time, and both had our own interests. For quite some time my interests were going out to clubs, going to the theatre, and going to the gym. I really enjoyed all that San Francisco had to offer. But as time has gone on, as I became a parent, and as I became a partner and a husband, I kind of settled into a bit more domestic approach to life.
One thing that used to be a big part of my life, especially with Michael, was travel. We both loved to travel, and travelled well together. I remember him saying early on, that he had never met anyone that it was so easy to travel with. We both just seemed to enjoy the same things while of vacations. We both loved to relax in the sun, lay by some water, and wear as little as possible. What more could you ask for? Now that Michael is gone, I don't expect that I will travel much anymore, or at least for quite some time. It is one of those things that will be very difficult for me to enjoy without him. Rather than push myself, I think I will just put it aside.
What has taken over my life these days are the very words you are reading. I spend a good amount of time writing. It has become my focus, and it has become my passion. I wish I had more time for it, as I have many ideas for topics to discuss other than my grief. I suppose there will be opportunity for the other topics at another time. I'm not too worried about it. I suspect that this is where I belong right now. When I feel that the time is right, then I will make a change in my direction.
For now, I can be found here. You are my community, and I gain so much from each of you. I love the fact that where ever I reside, San Francisco or San Diego, I take each of you with me. As long as I have electricity, I have a connection to each of you. And I must say, it is very freeing to sit her in my home, and to write exactly what I want to say. I don't have to worry about how I say it, as it is my forum. Nobody is forced to be here. Well, perhaps a few of my friends are. You know, in fear that I may one day ask what they think of my writing, then to have pretend like they follow my blog! I'm kidding of course. I tell friends that I don't write for any of them, or for anybody specifically. I write for me. And, if in my writing you are so moved to comment, or to return for more, then all the better.
This has given me a new sense of freedom. It's a freedom that I so enjoy, and need. Michael knew that I would need this, and that is why he bought me this computer. There is not one day that goes by when I don't appreciate this gift.
There is also not one day that goes by when I don't appreciate all of you. There have been so many people that have reached out to me through this blog. There have also been so many people who have mentioned to me that they read my writing. I am sometimes quite surprised by who has found their way here. I think that many of us come here, and places like this, for many reasons. I came here out of my grief. Many of you did as well. Some came her looking for me, such as my friends, as a way to understand me, and to be part of my journey. Many of you came her for reasons known only to yourself. Let me say this, Thank You.
As you might have picked up from my tone, I am having a very good day. That doesn't mean that sorrow isn't sitting here next to me. It simply means that today, the joy of knowing that I am not on this journey alone, is allowing me to feel connected, to feel satisfied.
This has given my life some purpose, and some satisfaction.