Wednesday, June 2, 2010


I am sitting here drowning my sorrows in a loaf of Judy's Vegan Whole Wheat Breadsticks. It is my one vice. Yes, I am a bread junkie. This is my comfort food.

Today was a very long day. After work I picked up my youngest son to get him to his guitar lesson. While at the mall I decided to buy new phones for the kids, as two had lost theirs, and one had taken his for a swim during our spring vacation in San Diego. I was feeling generous, and needed to be able to reach them when I am at work. I also kind of saw this as a bit of a moving gift. They have all been such good sports about my desire to move to San Diego. I know they are each looking forward to the move, but I also know they are being very agreeable for my sake. I also know that as clues keep coming in that I will be offered the job very soon, they are worrying about saying goodbye to all of their friends.

Because of these after-work activities, I didn't get home tonight until close to 9pm. Since I left the house at 7:30am, it has been a very long day. After handing the kids their dinner, and phones, I came directly down to my bedroom. I knew what was coming, as I had been using a lot of emotional strength all evening to not break down in public. I laid down on my bed and unleashed the tears. There was no real reason for tonight's down pouring, I just needed a good cry. I feel so much better for doing so.

It's funny, today I was missing my wedding ring. Not missing as in misplaced it, but I was really feeling it's absence from my ring finger. What's also odd, is that I seem to miss it most when I am interacting with others. Some how I feel uneasy presenting myself as single, you know, without a wedding ring. I still don't feel single, but I'm also trying to get more comfortable not relying on putting out there that I am currently married. It's something that I am struggling with.

Earlier, when I first got home, I was lying across my bed. I think I was crying so strongly because I so desperately needed his arms around me. His touch has become so painfully absent from my life, and with time the absence gets felt almost stronger. I sometimes think that it gets easier in between my giving in to this need, but when I do allow the reality of his being gone to hit me, I feel it so much deeper. Now at almost 9 months out, I feel so much despair at the reality that he will never be back.

Tonight's pain is being experienced like an assault on my heart. I feel like I am being stabbed with a blunt knife, and the pain reverberates throughout my body. There is also a weariness about me. This is likely the reason I am feeling so vulnerable.

Weary of mind.

Weary of body.

Weary of soul.


  1. i understand this feeling and have no real words of wisdom. you will find a better mood soon, but then this one will return. this journey is so unpredictable. and even if i gave you advice, share about what is happening to me, it most likely not be the same for you.

    know that i feel your weariness in my own soul. it is a shared link between us. i understand what mere words cannot paint. the search for that light at the end of the tunnel is exhausting. unanswerable questions weigh heavy.

    so many of us experience this and wish we could make it better for you. i wish i could ease your way. i wish i could ease my own way. all i have to offer is my voice through the fog or darkness, whatever you feel surrounds you. i am here so that you do not feel so alone in this. you have many friends who will stand beside you.


  2. It does seem to get more difficult as the weeks and months go by. Almost like, the closer I was to our actual life, the easier it was - not that it was easy. but that this life keeps going, hurtling away from when he was physically here. Argh. New assaults of shock.
    I'm glad you're here, all of us are here, except that I wish none of us had to be here.

  3. Weary. Yes, it's one of the states of mind and body resulting from loss that people do not understand. A year ago, I seemed to run out of steam part way through the day. From that point on, it felt as though I was walking through water. Even taking a deep breath or a long sigh could seem almost impossible as it drained me of so much energy.

    The first time I traveled across Canada and down through the western U.S., doing so many long days driving from place to place, I had to be very careful to pace myself. I seemed to be worn out by around 3 or 4 p.m. - and I mean really hitting the wall. I absolutely had to stop somewhere, feed Sabrina, crawl into my sleeping bag in the back of the van, and go to sleep for the night - often without bothering to have any dinner. I remember going to sleep for the night as soon as it was dark, which in late autumn, was probably around 5 p.m. or so. If anything went wrong, it wiped me out emotionally. On my way through Idaho, a huge chunk of frozen mud flew off an ATV being hauled in the back of a pick-up truck. It smashed the front of my van up quite bad - I was going about 70 mph when it hit the hood. I slowed down to about 40 mph and just poked along the rest of that day and had to go to sleep as soon as I pulled off the road that evening. It made me freaked out for several days after. I realize now just how vulnerable my mind was a year ago. I couldn't handle stuff like that at all - without major repercussions.

    This year's trip to and from Arizona, I recognized a change in my endurance and resilience. I did a couple of crazy long days of driving due to bad miscalculations of my route. I don't think I could have handled those kinds of small catastrophes a year before. In fact, I'm quite sure of that.

    By the way, your mention of a feeling of "vulnerability" struck a familiar chord with me. One thing I've noticed - even now - is that when I'm feeling worn out and like I've had to deal with too much, I feel vulnerable - almost like I'm under attack. When I get that feeling, my response is to retreat into my own safe space and just say to hell with trying to force myself to cope. I think we need our own quiet time to rest and regroup our minds and bodies before pushing ourselves onwards. As megan has mentioned above, life doesn't really get any easier from here on out. In fact, maybe it gets harder. I've been reflecting on that quite a bit as I think of myself as a mid-fifties woman who does some fairly challenging things. From here on out, it's not going to get easier -- and without a partner, I will have to try to set realistic goals for myself as I'm unlikely to suddenly become stronger and more youthful (unless I happen to discover the fountain of youth under a bush somewhere in the back of my property. If so, you'll be the first to know!).

    Anyhow, while I can't say this with any certainty, I think you'll find that, in time, you'll grow stronger and be able to make it through a long, stressful day without feeling weary and emotionally worn down. To me, that's been one of the markers that has helped me to know that I'm getting stronger - so must be healing at least a little. There aren't too many other signs, but my ability to endure a hard day without feeling like I'm going to crack, is the one concrete change that I've noticed. Personally, I think you're doing amazingly well in managing all that you do. It's a no brainer that you must feel pretty wiped out by the end of the kind of days you describe.