Today was a very long day. After work I picked up my youngest son to get him to his guitar lesson. While at the mall I decided to buy new phones for the kids, as two had lost theirs, and one had taken his for a swim during our spring vacation in San Diego. I was feeling generous, and needed to be able to reach them when I am at work. I also kind of saw this as a bit of a moving gift. They have all been such good sports about my desire to move to San Diego. I know they are each looking forward to the move, but I also know they are being very agreeable for my sake. I also know that as clues keep coming in that I will be offered the job very soon, they are worrying about saying goodbye to all of their friends.
Because of these after-work activities, I didn't get home tonight until close to 9pm. Since I left the house at 7:30am, it has been a very long day. After handing the kids their dinner, and phones, I came directly down to my bedroom. I knew what was coming, as I had been using a lot of emotional strength all evening to not break down in public. I laid down on my bed and unleashed the tears. There was no real reason for tonight's down pouring, I just needed a good cry. I feel so much better for doing so.
It's funny, today I was missing my wedding ring. Not missing as in misplaced it, but I was really feeling it's absence from my ring finger. What's also odd, is that I seem to miss it most when I am interacting with others. Some how I feel uneasy presenting myself as single, you know, without a wedding ring. I still don't feel single, but I'm also trying to get more comfortable not relying on putting out there that I am currently married. It's something that I am struggling with.
Earlier, when I first got home, I was lying across my bed. I think I was crying so strongly because I so desperately needed his arms around me. His touch has become so painfully absent from my life, and with time the absence gets felt almost stronger. I sometimes think that it gets easier in between my giving in to this need, but when I do allow the reality of his being gone to hit me, I feel it so much deeper. Now at almost 9 months out, I feel so much despair at the reality that he will never be back.
Tonight's pain is being experienced like an assault on my heart. I feel like I am being stabbed with a blunt knife, and the pain reverberates throughout my body. There is also a weariness about me. This is likely the reason I am feeling so vulnerable.
Weary of mind.
Weary of body.
Weary of soul.