Monday, June 7, 2010
Today I feel so stuck!
Originally uploaded by Jerry Lentz
Tonight I'm feeling a bit down on myself. All weekend the kids and I have been boxing up household items we don't use daily, and putting them into a new storage locker that I rented. We then went through all of their things once again, and bagged up items that we want to drop off at the local Salvation Army for donation. Yesterday the boys and I emptied all the contents of their attic bedrooms, furniture included, so that new carpet could be installed today. Then this afternoon, all of us put everything back in the boys rooms. All of this took many trips up and down the stairs, and now my poor body is feeling a bit achy.
In spite of yesterday's hard work, I also managed to cook dinner, which doesn't happen very often around here any more. To be fair to myself, we are very busy trying to ready the house in the event that we are moving sometime soon, and with that, putting the house up for sale. Yet, as I ran an errand this afternoon, and brought home dinner, I began to miss the days long past when Michael and I cooked almost every meal.
I could tell that the kids have missed the home cooked meals, as they each made such a fuss about yesterday's dinner. This is one area where I have yet to fully recover from the initial shock to my system that happened when Michael died. It's been almost 9 months now, and I still have not yet picked up my stride. And while it's not like my kids go without, I do feel terrible that I haven't been able to get back much of my groove.
There are other indicators that also tell me how much I am slacking off. Summer is here, and I have yet to look into a summer day camp for my youngest son. Every year I have him registered in a camp that can keep him occupied, and out enjoying summer activities with other kids. This year I haven't scheduled one thing. I kept meaning to do it, but have nothing but lame excuses to give myself.
And although we had a lot to accomplish on the house these past three days, I should have done something with the kids to acknowledge the end of the school year. I should have taken them somewhere, or did something. Now I am heading off to work in the morning, and I have nothing in place for them.
Again, I get that I am doing the best that I can. I get that I am still hurting from losing Michael, hurting more than I am willing to admit, but I don't like how my life feels at the moment. I wish I could rise above all this, and move forward easier. I wish that I could do more for, and with, my kids.
I trust that life will get easier, and possibly better. It's just that I feel so stuck right now. I feel stuck on the fact that I miss him so much. My mind tells me that he is gone, and there is nothing that is going to change that. I can never have him back. Death is about as final as it gets. So what is it about final that my heart doesn't seem to understand?