Man, I really thought I was doing okay.
I suppose I am.
I know I am.
But...
I'm a wreck tonight.
I don't quite know what to do with myself.
I'm sad. I'm lost. I'm empty.
I'm sitting here staring at this computer wondering how it used to entertain me.
What happened?
I'm restless. I'm anxious. I'm frustrated.
What the hell is wrong with me.
Nothing holds my interest tonight.
I feel like such a waste.
Why the hell can't I be happy?
Why the hell can't I find a significant reason to exist?
Why the hell can't I find something to look forward to?
This is so painful.
Fuck!
Love you, Dan.
ReplyDelete~C~
I wish I had a good answer to about five of those questions. At 2 years and 4+ months, there are short stretches of time when things seem reasonably okay, but then something happens and I am back to feeling aimless and tired of marching along the road to nowhere. Yes, there are times of creativity, interest and exploration, but it's still very hard to push onwards without my muse - someone to inspire me and to share my thoughts with. Fortunately, as time passes, it seems to be easier to cope. I hope there is something better ahead for all of us, even if it is just a better state of mind. Take care.
ReplyDeleteDan, I thought I would share that I have had many days like these recently. Perhaps it is because of the start of the year, the winter, more realization of what we have lost?
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're in such unspeakable pain right now. Embrace it. Go through it. But know we are here with you, thinking of you and loving you.
I hope tomorrow brings you light and a few smiles xxx
My personal expert experience so far says that a period of relative goodness is followed by a fast and far drop into seriousness badness. "Progress," crap. "Progress," crap. Makes it hard not to wince a bit when feeling better. I could say something about maybe each time, the badness is a lesser bad, but - phht. No it isn't.
ReplyDeletePhht.
xo
Dan, There's nothing wrong with you. At all. Grief refuses to be categorized, explicitly defined, consistent, or orderly.
ReplyDeleteIt is what it is.
Horrible, sneaky, relentless, numbing, and shockingly surprising.
I'm sorry that it's beating you up at this moment.
It will pass. But you know that. We all need support, encouragement and love during these times of wave after wave.
We're here to offer you that.
You will feel better. Slowly.
Keep writing. That helps to rid yourself of some of it.
Keep sharing. That helps you .... and it helps us.
Which sometimes knocks grief on its butt.
Keep kicking butt, Dan.
Much love, thoughts and prayers ....
Oh Dan, you described my evening last night to a T. I had such a wonderful night with my kids, went to bed satisfied with my day and then BAM, I was overcome with this ass kicking pain and anxiety. Where does this come from? How do you reach out to anyone at an unGodly hour for help? How do you explain this to your friends who want to help, but you can't even tell them how? It just sucks and I'm so sorry you are experiencing this gut wrenching misery at times too. You know deep down that you'll feel better again, but damn when you are in it, it sucks! Always sending positive vibes from Jersey your way... Donna
ReplyDeleteLove you Dan. The cycle of grief continues to keep us in its grasp. It loosens its grip for a short time and fools us into feeling a little better. Then it grabs us back in and pulls us down into the dark where we're surrounded by pain and loneliness and sorrow. But hold on, the grip will loosen again. And I think that everytime grief loosens its grip, it weakens. Hopefully one day it won't be able to pull us back in at will and drag us to the depths. In the meantime, we're here loving you.
ReplyDeleteUgh. So sorry, So tired, So knowing, So. Hearing over & over it will not always be this way only make it worse, for me, even when it's from people who do know it to be true. All I can say is I'm sorry, and I know. I don't know how I would have survived so far without you and you and you sharing your pain. I hate that any of us have to feel it even for a minute, but it does help to know you (I) am not simply insane to feel this way over & over after "all this time". Love.
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