Thursday, January 20, 2011

Keep on Crawlin'

Crawling Male Nude

I'm feeling a bit better tonight. I'm sitting here drinking a beer, and eating hummus and crackers. Not my usual evening, but it's working for me tonight. All of you who read, and write, are such wonderful support. Each of you make such good observations, making me feel less crazy, and better guided.


I'm kind of being thrown off at work. I was hired as a floater, and have been blessed to be working with such a wonderful group of people these past four months. Now it is time to report to a new office, and while I'm only a floor away, say goodbye to my daily conversations with my office mates. At the same time, it is a good opportunity to meet others at the office, and stretch my social skills.

I think I need to come up with a weekend project. It always helps to have a focus when I find myself with too much time on my hands. If I promise myself not to spend too much money, perhaps I can put together some inexpensive patio furniture. The weather has definitely been nicer lately, and it would do me well to be outdoors, possibly getting back to some of my other writing projects. Who knows, maybe something fun will come up. I'm ready for some fun times.

You know, sometimes I feel like I have been on this journey a very long time. Then I count the months, and realize that I am still a newbie. I like to think of myself being able to soar, yet I think I need to be more patient with myself, and just crawl for awhile.


  1. Strange how the time thing works, isn't it? At times, it seems like I've been alone for ages, and yet, at other times, the feelings can be so raw that it seems like I'm back to the time while we were struggling to deal with Don's cancer, or the early fallout after his death. Certain incidents can bring create such déjà vu sensations and remind me of how vulnerable the mind can be after trauma.

    Having patience with yourself is important. I don't know that I consider myself fortunate for this, but having lost my dad after being so close to him, and also being his caregiver in 1998-9, I learned something of how long it can take to work through that kind of loss (it took me over 4 years to deal with it - and that was with a lot of help from Don). My expectation is that it will take quite a lot longer to deal with losing Don, especially as I am pretty alone now and don't really have anyone to bounce things off of most of the time. While I don't think things will ever be entirely right, there will probably come a time when I will be relatively okay. Even now, I can tell that my resilience has grown a lot over the past couple of years. Sure, some days I feel shipwrecked, but at least there seem to be some clear spells when things feel like they're going okay. It's important for us to cut ourselves plenty of slack and just do or feel what is right.

    Yes, find something interesting to work on around your place. I am a great believer that simple, fun projects can be a great help to the psyche. Recently, I bit the bullet and decided to do something artsy to get myself back into a creative streak as it seems I'm happiest when working on a project. I submitted a proposal for an art installation to be displayed at a community arts center that puts on a special event here each year. I wanted to do something that wouldn't cost too much, so am making the installation using mainly found materials. The event is in early February, so gives me something to look forward to. That's another key thing, imo... to find ways to give myself something to look forward to, even if it is just something kind of small.

  2. I ate houmus and carrot sticks and pringles for my dinner last night too (with a vodka of course).

    I am beginning to understand that whilst it is essential that we do our "grief-work", that we also have a break from doing so ... and that essentially translates into enjoying the "lighter" days, when our souls don't feel surrounded by darkness, when it is an effort to bother washing and dressing, let alone eating! I wish you fun till at least Monday ... I dare you ;-)

    Love you Dan

  3. i understand what you mean about it feeling like a long time and yet, "it's only been....." i have been told that if you are under 4 years, expect the roller coaster of grief to keep going up and down and down then up, then down. i remember that when i am being hard on myself. i remember that when i think, i have a job, i have an apartment, i should be getting better. but i lost the only person who ever really "knew" me. i will miss him every day for the rest of my life. and then i know that he is worth being on this roller coaster. my time with him is worth all this pain.

    i wish you peace.

  4. after this kind of blow, I think we are each going to be newbies for quite a long time. I use as my guide a woman whose daughter was killed by a rogue wave in italy - she is at least a year "ahead" of me, and a daughter is different than a partner - but she writes often about sadness consuming her, how many new places her daughter is missing, and how she needs to remind herself how young she is at this.

    I like what Bev said about resilience growing. In bad days, I think of resilience as my ability to be shut down and dissociated. In better days, I think of resilience as a - well, I don't know. I don't know that it's better that, given this experience, I can manage to function in the average world. But it sure is nice to get through the grocery store without everything swirling around me and rushing out, leaving the groceries behind.

  5. Dan,I don't know if you happened to see this; I wrote it after commenting/thinking about one of your recent previous posts, when you were wondering WHY you're not better yet and WHEN that may happen. What made me think of writing is how compassionate we are to each other yet inwardly impatient and wondering about ourselves. My new mantra (since writing that, actually, and it may be worthy of its own post) is to treat myself as well as Jeff would be treating me, if he were here and somehow I was still this broken. I know he would be kinder and more patient than I am being to myself.
    Love you, and all of us.

  6. Well people, I just returned from visiting Carolyn's referenced blog post. It is fantastic. It feels like a one size fits all comfy old, and familiar, coat.