Wednesday, January 5, 2011



Today has been a very difficult one. Although I have written in the past about my teenage son's emotional problems, I have not addressed them here for awhile. I think I wanted to pretend that it wasn't truly happening, or that my life could suck any further than it does.

For the past couple of months life at home has been very unpleasant, and very draining. I feel like I rarely have a moment's peace. It's tough enough getting through life after losing your spouse, but it gets amplified when you are being attacked emotionally, and sometimes physically in your own home.

Mental illness is a crazy thing.

I know that statement is funny, and there is little to laugh about these days, but having a son with mental illness makes your own life crazy. You know longer have a good grip on your own reality, or the reality that most enjoy. I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if I had more sanity around me. I wonder how I would be adjusting to Michael being gone if I had the opportunity to live each day feeling emotionally safe, and stable. I don't have those things, and for the most part, never did.

I gave it my all, and tried to make it work with my son living at home, but the final straw hit today. That was me. I have been his punching bag for far too long, and I have now decided I can no longer live this way. I don't want to live another day with any type of violence in my life. I no longer want to question my own sanity, well, anymore than any normal parent does.

I'm okay, but a little sore. I was hurt this morning, and my son was placed in a psychiatric hospital. I have spent the day talking to police, school personnel, therapists and doctors. With each conversation each wanted to know why we moved here, and if there have been any other major changes in our household.

We moved here to make a change.

We needed a change because my husband died.

Because my husband died.

Condolence. Condolence. Condolence.

I know I'm writing about crazy stuff. I know that I'm trying to deflect from the trauma of the day. I know that life will get more sane. Soon, I hope.

In a way I am used to this type of trauma, and all that will unfold from it. At least now there will be the appropriate services put into place for my son. At least there will be a plan of care which will include emotional and physical safety for us at home.

I will be fine.

Can we talk about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?

As a side note. People are funny. Today the cops were very helpful, but very young. There were three different ones who came into my home at different times, and within 5-10 minutes each would say, "hey, nice house, did you remodel it?"


  1. good lord dan. Yes, Enough. Efreakingnuff. I hope your night is peaceful, and gives you a chance to - I don't know - fill your tanks a bit.
    love to you. I am heading out to walk the dog, and will petition the stars and who-or-whatever might be listening to please just cut you some freaking SLACK already.

  2. Dan,
    I'm so sorry. I'm sending you a big hug, a big drink and the wish for some peace to enter you and your family's lives. You are a great Dad, which as we know, means making tough decisions. I'm sorry you are having to make those decisions on your own. For me, that's one of the hardest parts of being a single parent. I hope your son gets the help he needs and you get some peace.

    Love you. Deb xxx

  3. I'm sorry. My own parents had to make my younger brother a ward of the state when he was sixteen b/c of his issues lead him to drugs and crime. Back then though, assessing him for mental illness wasn't the norm and as a result, he struggled most of his adult life. You are fortunate to have more resources and people to help you than was available back then.

    You are doing the right thing for you both. You are a good dad.

  4. Dan .... I am thinking of and praying for you .... and your children.
    Sending love from Texas ....

  5. I too am sorry to hear of this, but yes, enough. Hard as it was, you did the right thing. You have already gone that extra mile - and then some. There was nothing more to be done. I hope some sense of relief, peace and normalcy will return to your life now - and quickly.

  6. Wow, I'm sorry, sounds like you've made the right decision! I feel really off-target and insensitive to not understand the situation was so serious last time i commented.

    You really are a great parent, you know. Really. I'm not clueless enough to misunderstand THAT.



  7. oh Dan, I'm so sorry that you have had to go through this. It must have been a very dark time indeed. I cannot imagine ...

    love you
    Boo xx

  8. Dan, i am so terribly sorry you had to come to this decision, that circumstances placed you in this situation to have to make it. i can only imagine the maelstrom of feelings that surrounded making it. i wish for you a peaceful night tonight. i wish for you calm and quiet so that you can move forward to the myriad of things that you still need to face. you will be in my thoughts always. please keep us informed. peace and light.

  9. Thinking of, and praying for, all of you.

  10. I just saw this. Wow. I can only begin to imagine how hard this must have been for you. Holding you in my thoughts...

  11. We certainly can talk about PTSD, because I have it-Acute and delayed.
    If you want my email address, please do not hesitate to request it.
    Truly, my heart goes out to you and your sons. I want to help in any way possible. Again, please do not hesitate to reach out for help and especially to someone who has been living with it for more years than I'd care to admit.