Friday, January 21, 2011

Getting Laid


I'm contemplating getting laid.

Yes, you read that right.

I suppose it is no surprise to any of you that it has been awhile since my body joined the forces of another, to make a joyful motion, and sing out in passionate unison. Well, let me tell you, it has been a very long time.

What am I waiting for? I'm not getting any younger. If I wait too long, getting laid will start getting very expensive. I'm not talking about paying someone for sex, I'm talking about waiting so long that I then require a hefty investment in erectile dysfunction medication.

Holy Viagra Batman!

I am trying with all my might to get out of this deep depressed mode that I have been in. Nothing seems to work. And perhaps getting laid won't either, but in past bad times, sex often seemed like an easy solution.

In college, if I had a test to study for, or was running late on a paper, and was getting frustrated, and needed a break, well, what to do? Go out and get laid!

When raising my young kids was becoming overwhelming, and I was beginning to feel old, punchy and unattractive. What's the answer? Go out and get laid!

When Michael and I were having an argument, or not seeing eye to eye on something...Get laid!

Grief got you down? Get laid!

No time for a work out? Get laid!

Can't afford a day at the spa? Get laid!

Get the picture?


Now here is my new predicament. Since saying goodbye to my lovely husband, and saying goodbye to a wonderful sex life, I have made my body a bit of an inked road map to my grief. I've got symbolism up my wazoo. Well, actually, I haven't gone that far, but you get my point.

What do I do when that wonderful moment finally occurs? He's softly kissing the back of my neck, and begins to trace the top of my spine, and there it is... M W L

What does M W L mean?

Well, um, those are my late husband initials.

He lets his hand stroke the side of my back, sending a lovely tingling sensation down my body...

What is with this tree? And with the bird flying by?

Well, you see, when I say My Late Husband, well, that means he died, and this is a tree of life, and....

See what I mean. Not exactly the ideal time to be talking about the dead, just when your hormones are starting to rise from the dead.

Talk about killing the moment.

Which all goes to the point being that there will not likely be a casual fuck in my life anytime soon. Either it will have to be in the extreme dark, or we will have had to have some heart to heart conversations about this long journey that I am on. And if by chance I find someone willing to listen as I share this experience with him, then he is not likely the type of person who is looking for a one night stand.

Am I ready for a non-one night stand?

I don't think I want a new, or potentially new relationship right now. But then, when? Will I know when I am ready, or will it just knock me on the head, have it's way with me, and tell me we are on the road to blissful happiness?

I don't know. I don't have all the answers.

I'm just out here trying to get laid!


  1. What does M W L mean?

    Maybe you can tell a white lie.

    M W L = Make Wild Love


  2. I'll start rehearsing my line right now.

  3. "In the extreme dark" ! Laughing here! Good solution.
    I occasionally feel that way too, Dan, and before I was with Jeff, it was a simple thing to just go out and....find someone. It was not too hardXXXdifficult. Hey, it was the 70s. And 80s. Things were different then. But I am afraid that it would not be so simple now, and I would hate to get into it and then....have to stop. Or be sobbing. That could ruin a moment, and I'm pretty confident that whatever it is & whenever it comes, it'll involve tears, simply from it being So.Damn.Long. since I've felt a hand on me. Let alone any actual emotions. Yikes. Can't really picture it, actually. But I sure do miss that connection. I hope you get whatever you want.

    Haha, you will not believe that my captcha word was oh so close to "shagging"

  4. I was going to suggest that your pick up line at the bar include something about ' . . . just don't ask about my tattoos' (offering perhaps a little intrigue?) but I like Bev's answer better.


    (argh! for some reason it said my openid credentials could not be verified?)

  5. Dan, one year and one day after losing Cliff, I thought about sex for the first time. By that I mean I thought about me having some. And within 10 minutes of that thought flitting through my brain ... my ex-boyfriend from boarding school found me (thru a mutual friend)after trying to find me for around 5 years. We lost touch back in 1982!

    And I thought, well ... if that isn't a message I don't know what is!

    So, after talking by phone on email, I asked him if he'd do me a favour and help me out. I laid down the ground rules and told him that I couldn't commit to anything, and didn't want any commitment from him other than remaining my friend (which we still are).

    I flew to a city near Russia that weekend and let go. We had a lot of fun, and he made me feel alive again. For the first time. It was good to have that intimacy again ... and it was good to be with my old friend ... he is one of my most valued sounding boards now. We aren't having illicit weekends any more (my choice) but it was fun flying to Switzerland and East Europe for those wicked weekends. It was what it was. He was man enough to admit to "being used" and I absolutely knew that he could manage what I was asking of him. I proved that I could with someone else, and I didn't cry. I loved being held again just as much as I loved the rest of it. It gave me some fun and light for a while, it was a break - a distraction from the pain too ... for a while. Then I had to carry on working through this beast ...

    I think it's much more therapeutic than massage LOL

  6. how about "must wait, love" (as in, don't ask me about that now). Or ... "marching with Luther," from your days in the Evangelical Lutheran Church. I suppose that could be a stopper. I don't know - Hira? Are you out here reading? Throw some Latin our way with MWL. Then Dan can also look worldly, with his Latin tattoos.

  7. Boo, thanks for sharing such a personal experience with us. It is so helpful to know how others have coped with the need for touch and affection. So many times people have told me that at least I have my children, as if a child's affection can take the place of a lover's. Apples and Oranges.

    I go through such differing emotions, and extreme changes in my desires. At times I feel like all I think about is Mike's caress, or the last time we made love. At times any guy that walks by gets completely undressed in my mind. At other times I feel like I have completely lost my libido, and sex is the farthest thing on from mind.

    I remember what it was like after Mike recovered from his brain surgery. We hadn't had sex in such a long time, which changed the nature of our relationship for a time. Once he was well enough, and we were able to explore our sexual side again, I would always end up in tears. I think I new that each time together was a gift that I would one day lose. It was like that toward the end as well. He didn't always understand why I would start crying the moment of ecstacy.

    I did have the opportunity to explore this side of me once this summer. It was so much fun to feel passion and excitement, even if it didn't have the emotional depth that one has when making love.

    I suppose what it comes down to is wanting to feel alive again. For me, to be fully alive is to let go, and to stop being so much in control. Sex is a way for me to do just that.

    As is often the case in my writing, my humor is carefully crafted in a way that allows me to express that part of me that is not yet ready to be addressed so directly.

    Love and Sex to all of you.

  8. I'm returning to this post and the comments as they have set me pondering over my own (entire lack of) thoughts about sex since Don's death over two years ago. Well before his diagnosis, he became so ill and filled with pain as the cancer spread into his bones, sex was about the last thing on our minds. For me, any desire for sex seemed to die with the onset of his illness.

    It's a little strange for me now as friends have commented that most of the younger widowed people they know have found new partners within a year or two and many have remarried. I don't think they are trying to suggest that there is something wrong with me (at least I hope not), but I guess some may be wondering why I don't begin looking for anyone, at least at a casual friendship level. I've wondered about that a bit too. All I can come up with is that Don and I married when we were very young and I almost feel like one of those species of birds that pairs for life and doesn't pair again if its mate dies. I have a strong suspicion that the horror of the manner of Don's death has killed a lot of my ability to feel anything - and I mean this on a lot of different levels. Unfortunately, since Don's and my dad's death, when I meet just about anyone, the observant "artist's eye" in me studies everyone, looking for signs of illness, etc... It's kind of morbid and something I can't seem to move beyond. I may be a rather hopeless case as far as striking up any new relationship. If I were younger, I think that might be possible, but at my age, I dunno. Everyone I meet (or well-meaning friends try to introduce me to) seems to have health issues and one foot on a banana peel and the other in the grave, so the voice in my head is always screaming, "Run away! Run away!!! I guess the fortunate thing in all of this is that I seem to be so utterly indifferent to having anyone around me, apart from my dogs, that it's pretty easy to carry on in solitude. Anyhow, it's just more food for thought.

  9. As I have mentioned in the past, I previously participated in a widowed parents support group, and found that everyone in the group had dated within the first year. Without judgement, I was a bit shocked. For me, I was no where ready to think about dating. I think I was also the oldest in the group, so that may have accounted for this.

    While at the time I did recognize that I was lonely, and desiring some comfort, I was still in post traumatic shock from the years of caretaking, both Michael and my kids. At this point I would not necessarily be opposed to going out on a date, but I too would be looking for signs of health/illness. I would also be looking for someone with less complication in their lives. I have enough burdens, and I don't want to add any more. Given this criteria, it seems less likely that I would find myself in a new relationship anytime soon.

  10. Dan, I think the post traumatic shock aspect plays a very large part in the grief process. I've mentioned this before on my blog and perhaps in comments here, but the sight of certain things - wheelchairs, walking through a store and having to pass by the shelves with the Boost food supplements, passing by a hospital, etc... have a very weird effect on me - plunging me into a very morose state within seconds. There's no doubt that this is coloring my thoughts and, in fact, my whole world. When I fantasize about what kind of a relationship I wouldn't mind having, it's something very platonic - a friendship with an artist who would like to go out hiking and canoeing - and who is in good enough health that I wouldn't feel concern for them. I use to take an older man out canoeing occasionally and the stress of worrying that something might happen to him as he was quite unsteady on his feet - one time he lost his balance getting out of the canoe and I ended up catching him in my arms like a baby as he fell back into the canoe -- well, I don't think I can handle that kind of responsibility anymore. You're right - I'm not looking for more burdens or responsibilities - just a good friend or two to go on longer hikes into more remote areas, etc... Until then, I continue to fly alone.

  11. I try not to think about it... It's been almost 8 years and only one person has ever expressed an interest in me, then he stood me up. Kinda put a dent in the ol' self esteem... Guess I'm not attractive/funny/smart enough.

  12. I hope I'm still considered a 'young' widow =) (almost 34 now), but I have not dated again yet. Been asked out a couple times, but not by anyone I'm interested enough in. I considered it recently though. I'm sure you'll get a kick out of this one, Dan . . .

    I had a younger, single, firefighter friend come by for a visit recently - and he slept on the couch. Wine, hot tub - nothing else. He made no moves and I was too chicken - though there was a 'little' kiss goodbye at the end and some 'email flirting' about a lack of mistletoe afterwards.

    But, I guess with Elias having been my 'one and only', I think I'd have a hard time not getting emotionally involved. My 'friend' doesn't live close, though he was someone I could actually see a potential with dating, so I asked him what he thought of the idea (SO out of character for me). He took a few days to think about it, but in the end it was a no. Who knows though, maybe next time he comes for a visit, I could see what he thinks about being 'used' (thanks for sharing your story Boo!)


  13. hey C - given that you are roughly half the age of the "average" (snort) widow, I think you still qualify as "young."

  14. When you start to ponder readiness - you probably are. Will it solves problems or create new ones? Yes. But connection of any kind brings risk and revelation. You are not rushing into uncharted territory. Nearly everyone ventures back in. Some find love. Some find good friends. Some get hurt. Some decide that its a "been there/done that" and are then content to settle into singleness. You won't know until you try.

    And so what if mood is dampened or even extinguished? No better way to discover a potential partner's character than bursting into tears - though I hear men find that a turn-off.

    If getting laid has worked in the past, no reason it wouldn't now. Just be sure to be honest and yourself and expect that in return.

  15. Thanks for the good advice Annie. I think you are so right. I'm ready to start risking new possibilities.

  16. Dan, what a great discussion. I waited quite a few years to have a new relationship - i just couln't see how i could be with another person. Now i am in a relationship (for now) and it is fun and has brought much love and light back in my life. The fact that he has had his own widowed journey has been important - we deeply understand some things that surpass words.

    Before this relationship and in the years before I met the guy, I remember wanting to have sex and not knowing where to turn or even if I could go through with it. It's so damned complicated, isn't it? I love Boo's adventure. She's our girl!! Much love and light beaming your way.

  17. Great post! And I love the discussion that it prompted. I had six years of a wonderful sex life with my Mike, the best sex either of us had ever had and it just kept getting better. After he died, I thought I'd never make it a year without sex. There was a period of time, somewhere around months 4 - 6, where I just about went out of my mind wanting to be touched. But whenever I had the opportunity to actually get physical swith someone, I couldn't do it.

    It will be 11 months next week, and as I approach the first anniversary of his death, I'm in a much different place. My libido seems to have died or to be permanently set on zero. I don't even want to pleasure myself. I feel as frozen as I did in the weeks right after Mike's death. I wonder how long this is going to last...

    But the one thing I've learned is that there's no timetable for grief and healing. It will take as long as it takes.

  18. Dan - Thanks as usual for giving me many great laughs while at the same time causing me to think on a deeper level. You have a gift for that. You could call Sam my friend with benefits or fuck buddy. Why else would I put up with him?

    Anyway, I had an image of you wearing some kind of wet suit with openings/flaps in appropriate places.

    Hang in there and I hope you get some relief and pleasure when its right and best for you.

  19. Lira, I have been all over the libido map throughout the past year and a half. I go some days, weeks, where I feel like all I do is think about sex, or spend far too much time in the self service mode. Then I can go for a couple of months where it's the last thing on my mind. I know it often correlates to what I am going through in my grief. Sometimes it is out of loneliness, other times it is just a distraction.

    W in the M, you really have me laughing. I've done some kinky things in the past, but never in a wet suit. I'll have to put it on my bucket list.

    And for those that later return to read updates, I was able to finally make some progress with this endeavor.


    i paid the required fee and said the required prayers,days later,my man came back home apologising for his wrongs deeds...choice is yours,keep sulking or act..check out