Alone Again (Naturally)

Emptiness
Originally uploaded by Brentjp99 (completed)

Today was therapy Tuesday. It has become something I really look forward to, as it is probably the only time in my week that I have a one on one discussion with another adult. Aside from writing this blog, it is the only time, and place, that I have to talk about my grief. Every other hour of my day allows for only short soundbites at best.

All day at work I realized that I was back to feeling very sad and depressed. I was feeling so apathetic about life in general. In talking to my therapist, I was explaining that I do have good times throughout the day, or week. I do enjoy my time with the kids, most of the time. When at home the kids and I do have opportunities to talk a bit, and laugh at life. But as my daughter has been pointing out to me lately, I spend a good amount of time alone in my room.

I have found that I go through periods where I prefer to spend as much time as possible in my bedroom, then I go through periods where I only go down there at bedtime. Lately I realize that when ever I go to the room for a short break from the upstairs chaos, I am almost immediately in tears. In talking to my therapist today he recognized that I was putting much of my energy into not feeling what I was describing. The concerns that I brought up were that I feel so apathetic and depressed, yet I was detaching from my feelings. In talking about this I began crying. My therapist asked if it would be okay for him to approach me. He then put his arms around me, and I began sobbing.

I am in such pain. There is still such a significant sense of sadness in my life. What I learned this afternoon, is that I am trying to distance myself from my sadness. I believe this is because it takes me to such a lonely place. As I recognized this afternoon, it is a rare opportunity for me to have someone just sit and listen. It is even more rare for me to have someone put their arms around me while I grieve.

It is sad to me, that I have done to myself that which I try to change through this blog, which is to provide a place where grieving is okay. I have been grieving for 5 months and 3 days, and I am still quite vulnerable to the sadness that pervades grief. There is no way to survive this for long without letting out that which builds up within.

The truth is I cry on a daily basis. The truth is that when I am not crying, I am working very hard to keep the tears under control. Grief does not come with a limited volume of tears. The body of the widowed continues to produce tears and sadness. The sadness if not expressed becomes stronger and stronger. It's toxicity deepens with each day that I don't fully express it. It feels like a poison that can only be ridden from my body through a blood-letting.

My therapist says that I cannot continue to grieve entirely alone. Unfortunately, this is the nature of the beast. Ask any widow or widower, and they will tell you how alone they feel, and how alone they truly are. Even those of us blessed with children find ourselves feeling alone. Our children offer us much love, and much distraction, but by days end we are once again faced with the fact that we grieve alone. Nights are very lonely. Our spouses/partners are gone, and nothing has taken their place. Where ever we go there is an absence, and this is especially true in our homes, and in our bedrooms. Our beds feel enormous, no matter the actual size.

I don't know when these intense feelings of sadness, and loneliness, begin to change. Or maybe it's not about when the feelings change, but more about when they becomes less intense. I can honestly say that the periods of time, of this type of intensity, has changed for me. The first few months were pure agony. The crying, the sobbing, could go on all day and night. I just need to remind myself, and those that love me, that the sadness and loneliness have not gone away. The feelings can still be as intense at times, even though they may not last as long.

Gilbert O'Sullivan - Alone Again, Naturally Lyrics


In a little while from now
If I’m not feeling any less sour
I promise myself to treat myself
And visit a nearby tower
And climbing to the top will throw myself off
In an effort to make it clear to who
Ever what it’s like when you’re shattered
Left standing in the lurch at a church
Where people saying: "My God, that’s tough
She's stood him up"
No point in us remaining
We may as well go home
As I did on my own
Alone again, naturally

To think that only yesterday
I was cheerful, bright and gay
Looking forward to well wouldn’t do
The role I was about to play
But as if to knock me down
Reality came around
And without so much, as a mere touch
Cut me into little pieces
Leaving me to doubt
Talk about God and His mercy
Or if He really does exist
Why did He desert me in my hour of need
I truly am indeed Alone again, naturally

It seems to me that there are more hearts
broken in the world that can’t be mended
Left unattended
What do we do? What do we do?

Alone again, naturally
Now looking back over the years
And whatever else that appears
I remember I cried when my father died
Never wishing to hide the tears
And at sixty-five years old
My mother, God rest her soul,
Couldn’t understand why the only man
She had ever loved had been taken
Leaving her to start with a heart so badly broken
Despite encouragement from me
No words were ever spoken
And when she passed away
I cried and cried all day
Alone again, naturally
Alone again, naturally