Message to Michael

Rare Valentine from Dallas, Texas
Originally uploaded by crowt59

To My Sweetheart,

I was just going through some old email, and saw the original email that I had sent you with this video. It wasn't long after you and I started dating that the kids and I had seen this video on Logo. The kids only knew you as Mike, and I don't think they had even met you yet. They just knew that I was smitten by a guy named Mike. This video came on and they had a good time teasing me about "I Like Mike."

You know honey, I fell in love with you right away. When we met I knew that we would end up together. It's funny thinking back, because I wasn't out looking for you. I was already casually dating someone, and was just out to have a night out by myself, and take a break from the kids. There you were. We spent the whole night out together, dancing, drinking, laughing, talking and kissing. We traded emails for the next couple of days, then went out on our first official date. It was wonderful. I came home, and ended the relationship with the other guy. That's how sure I was.

I know that our friends and family think that our meeting was destiny. We were meant to be together. I don't like to think of our time together as being destined to end so soon, although I do go there sometimes. I can't help it. What I prefer to think about is our being destined to live out the rest of your life together. I do believe that I was meant to love you, and that you were meant to love me. I also believe that God chose me to take care of you, and I loved every minute of it.

Michael, I am missing you so much tonight. It hurts. It hurts me to my core. You have been gone for five months now, and I'm not sure how I'm supposed to react at this point. Most days are easier to handle than in past months, but if I let down my guard, like tonight, the sobbing takes hold of me. It becomes uncontrollable.

Is it true, that we grieve as much as we loved? I don't know Michael. I don't know what to believe. Do you miss me? You used to tell me that you would miss me when you were gone. You meant that you would miss me after you died. Do you? Are you aware of me? I often wonder if I am going through this alone, or are you going through this as well.

I feel as though I am going to make myself mad. Not angry, mad. All those initial feelings of loss are brewing below the surface again. They make me feel as though I don't want to chose sanity. My heart cannot make sense of all this tonight. It is being flooded with so many thoughts and emotions. It is trying to mend, but tonight I feel the stitches that hold it together beginning to give way to heartache once again. I don't like this. I'm not going to indulge in wishing that I still had you with me. I know that wishing for things like that no longer serve me well. I need to wish for peace, for acceptance, and for grace. I hope you are happy where ever you are. I hope that your soul is smiling, if that is even possible. I know that perhaps you are in a place, or state of being, where my words no longer have meaning. I just hope that the essence of my message is being communicated with you.

I love you Michael. Be happy. Be at peace.


Yours. Dan