Identity Crisis (bigger vector)
Originally uploaded by Fuzzy Ink
My struggle at the moment is finding where I fit in. I feel so disconnected from people. I don't know where to turn. I need to find a place to be.
This afternoon I spent some time searching online for some kind of social group to join. I want to find a place, or opportunity, to meet other gay men for friendship. I want to be able to meet other men without the perception that I am looking for romance.
In my search today I was looking for something like a gay writers workshop. I didn't find anything, but I will keep looking. I figured that if I could find a social group that meets occasionally regarding a common interest, then there wouldn't be the pressure, or expectation, that I was there looking for someone to date. I did find a few gay dads groups, but each time I began reading the description it often described activities for couples.
I then tried to see if there was anything for gay widowers, and to my dismay, all I found on google was my own blog. It turns out that what I set out to do has been successful. Many months ago I had gone searching for anything relating to gay widowers, and all I found was one book, written about 15 years ago. While I ordered the book, and found it quite helpful, I still needed more. As I found nothing, I decided to start this blog as a way to cope, and as a place where other gay widowers could turn to. It's ironic that now that I go looking again, all I find is me.
If I google gay widower, I find me. If I google gay grief, there I am. Gay bereavement anyone? How about 'Dan, in real time.' The irony of course is that I feel as though I don't know who I am anymore. Yet, online I have a very clear identity. I am the gay widowed blogger. And while I am proud that what I set out to do has come to fruition, I start to wonder, is that all I am?
I find myself feeling all alone out here. I feel alone in the sense that I don't know where to go to feel part of something. I value the relationships I have formed through this blog, yet I can't rely solely on my Internet friendships. I need to have connections where I live. I need to have a place to go when I want to be somewhere other than in my own home. I need friendships, but I've never really good at making friends. In the past I have relied on meeting people either while in school, or at work. For the most part, I am a homebody. When I go out in social situations I tend to be somewhat of a wallflower. This is what Michael and I had in common. Neither of us felt that confident in social situations. Neither of us enjoyed being out there when single. Finding each other felt like a fluke. We were both shy individuals who happened to connect on one fateful night.
Now I find myself in a uncomfortable situation. I need to meet other people. I still feel married. I am terribly depressed. I am a widower. Where do I begin? And when it comes down to it, it's not like I have lots of free time to put myself out there anyway. I am once again the single dad of three kids. I have four therapy appointments a week to get me or the kids to, guitar lessons, martial arts classes, religion classes, work, school carpool and grief support group. All of this in the course of one week, and I haven't even mentioned any of the daily at home responsibilities.
Married life was quite compatible with me. It suited me fine. I loved being married. I'm an old fashioned kind of guy. I don't need, or want, big city living. I don't want to be out at night. I don't want to be standing in a bar listening to loud pulsating music. Been there, done that. Yet, what choice do I have? If I don't venture out I will never have to opportunity to relate to another individual in person. My kids are going to grow very tired of seeing me sitting on the couch of my living room. I can hear them now, "what are you doing with your life?" "Get out and do something."
I also have to wonder, other than another widower, who is going to want me around? Misery loves company. I am pretty miserable. I need other miserable people to socialize with.
I'm not yet in a space where I have the energy to put on a happy face. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm pretty pitiful. Maybe I need to place a personal ad.
"Gay widower, sad, depressed, cries throughout the day, poor eating habits, busy life, hates being away from home, obsesses about his deceased husband, slowly becoming more and more out of shape. Call me."