2. restlessness
Originally uploaded by Connor Davison
Today's post is being written rather late. It has been a very busy day, but even as I sat here in my bedroom with everything in place to begin writing, there has been a restlessness that has kept me from starting. Rather than push myself, and jump into my writing, I chose to just sit, and to let my feelings sort themselves out.
What has emerged is that I am so needing to be soothed. The restlessness comes from the knowing that the soothing cannot really take place. There are times when we need soothing in general, and any set of open arms or open heart will do. This is not one of those times. In fact, most of my days are filled with such a strong need, a strong yearning, but always with the knowledge that what I truly desire, I cannot get.
I wish I could report that the mourning process has moved me along further, but that would just be sugar-coating my reality. My grief is always just below the surface. It doesn't take very much to feel awash with emotion. With time I am better able to manage it, but it is always there.
I often feel that I am a walking pressure cooker. If I don't let off some of the steam, I am really going to blow. For me this is done with tears. In each of my days I must find a time and place for my tears. If I don't allow myself to cry, even for a very brief period, I begin to feel a rage growing within me. I want so badly for my reality to be different, but it can't. I miss my love, Michael, terribly. I don't know how else to express it, other than in my tears. The pain is still here, and I don't always know what to do with it.
I can't walk around my world in constant tears, if I did I would just drown. Even now, I am struggling to find the right words to describe what I am feeling, but I am at a loss to adequately explain it. How is it that I am supposed to get through all of this without having his arms around me? How am I supposed to move forward when it feels like there is nothing that I want to move toward.
There are times that I can use objects around me to get a sense of Michael's presence. I can look at the many photos of him, or of us, and smile thinking about our love. Yet in a moments time, I am back to tears. It is so tiring. I so want to fast foward to a year from now, and hope to find that the intensity is different.
~Well, there was a whole lot more to this post, but I just lost it somehow in trying to autosave what I had written. Rather than try to remember all that I wrote, I will take this as a sign to turn my computer off and get some sleep.
"Groovy Kind of Love"
When I'm feeling blue
All I have to do
Is take a look at you
Then I'm not so blue
When you're close to me
I can feel you heart beat
I can hear you breathing
In my ear
Wouldn't you agree?
Baby, you and me got a groovy kind of love
Any time you want to
You can turn me on to
Anything you want to
Any time at all
When I kiss your lips
Ooh, I start to shiver
Can't control the quivering inside
Wouldn't you agree?
Baby, you and me got a groovy kind of love
Ooh
When I'm feeling blue
All I have to do
Is take a look at you
Then I'm not so blue
When I'm in your arms
Nothing seems to matter
My whole world can shatter
I don't care
Wouldn't you agree?
Baby, you and me got a groovy kind of love
We got a groovy kind of love
We got a groovy kind of love
Ooh, ooh
We got a groovy kind of love
up and down like being on a roller coaster. twist and whirl and hod on as if you're on the tilt a whirl. spin and spin and go nowhere. grief seems like a weird carnival ride that the carnies all stand around watching and laughing, or they just stare with a cold blankness that makes you want to throw up.
ReplyDeletei'm sorry you are feeling this pain and tiredness. i wish you peace. you are in my heart always.
Sending you hugs and virutal soothing. We get it. Keep breathing. And by the way, thanks for posting Groovy Kind of Love. I forgot how much I love this song. And it makes me smile, remembering dancing with Austin. How I miss my groovy kind of love.
ReplyDeleteThere is so much about the carnival metaphor that works in this case. Thanks for sharing it.
ReplyDeleteI'm not quite sure how this song came to mind last night, as I have not heard it in many years. I love the song, the original and this version. Now I can't get the damn song out of my head.
Hi Dan,
ReplyDeleteI wrote a comment but it got erased . . . argh.
Anyhow, I think you explained yourself pretty well - at least I think i get it. I understand the pressure cooker analogy and know that I usually 'blow up' at the girls, unfortunately, when I lose it.
I also get what you spoke of regarding drowning in tears - I have a friend who seems to think I don't cry enough, because I usually don't cry when I'm speaking with her. Just because she doesn't see me cry doesn't mean I don't! I've tried to explain to her - though tears are important, if I cried every time I spoke about/thought about it/felt like it, I'd never stop.
The body and soul need a break sometimes too, which I think allows us to function much of the day without tears. But the tears will always come at some point. Sometimes more easily than others. Sometimes unexpectedly. Sometimes they don't come when expected.
Thinking of you, as always,
~C~
Well said Chelsea. My 16 yr old is always asking,"Dad, are you alright?" He says this because I often have a very intense look about me. Right now he asked me again. I asked what made him ask. He said well, you are listening to emotional music, and you have been talking about Mike. I said, Dante, I think of my all day long, I listen to emotional music because I find it comforting, and I cry at least once a day. He said, "Oh."
ReplyDeleteYour right, we can't give into this everytime we feel it. I'm trying to teach the kids how I manage my emotions during this time.
Thanks.