Monday, February 8, 2010

Tenuous Life fragile we are...
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Before sitting down to do my writing this evening, I decided to look back on what was going on for Michael and I around this time last year. I see in last years writing, that we were preparing to go to the Russian River for an overnight trip. Sitting here thinking back, I don't remember anything about it. Did we end up going? I don't really know.

I know that Michael had an updated MRI around this time, and that while it showed no new growth, we were to move cautiously. I also know that it was around this time that I decided to take an extended leave from work, as I was having health problems related to stress. Although, the main reason I was taking time off is that our oncologist explained to me that things could go downhill quickly for Michael, so I wanted to be home with him.

Something tells me that we ended up not going away as planned. With Michael's health, and the needs of the kids, I learned that all plans are tenuous. I suppose you could say that I have learned that life is tenuous. We walk on thin ice. Life is much more fragile than I originally thought. For me, I equate this with happiness being tenuous. When I had it, I really appreciated it. I didn't need to completely lose it to know this.

I was someone who was single a very long time. When I met Michael, and subsequently feel in love, I truly appreciated what I had. Even during difficult times, I appreciated what I had. Even after losing him, I still appreciate what I had. I suppose this goes along the line of the saying, 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.'

Last night was a difficult one for me. It was difficult because I was missing Michael. And, although it hurts to cry like that, I'm glad that I had someone to feel that strongly about. He gave my life further quality and meaning. In that way I was blessed. It pains me to think about the future we thought we would have, and how much more happiness we would have enjoyed, but I feel I must resist going there.

'Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.'

Another Love quote I found online. If this is true then there are a lot of people in relationships, that have yet to be blessed with knowing the true depths of the love they share. I suppose we can think of this as the consolation prize in being widowed.

Sorry I'm not being very eloquent tonight, my migraine persists through day four.


  1. Hello Dan,
    There is no greater eloquence than that which articulates one's true self, which is, with precision, what you've accomplished in this post.

    There's an honesty felt in your words tonight, detectable by its gentle, but forthright confidence.

    It definitely is better to have loved, than not, and we all still receive rewards, such as the life-long soul-enriching memories which shape our lives and our characters.

    Like so many of the things you share with us here, your words give great comfort, by showing us pieces of ourselves reflected back to us by a true kindred soul as yours.

    Godspeed, and With Love,
    Bill in NH

  2. Thanks Bill. I am learning that there is benefit from grieving as I did last night. The sorrow builds up within me, and I need to just be taken away by it. The end result is the ability to reflect on the reason why I experience such pain. It is love. Today the glow of my love for Michael, and his love for me, is lifting me up once again.

    I feel as though these periods of painful grieving are the peeling away of new layers in my journey toward healing.

    You express yourself so beautifully. I always feel so fortunate to read your thoughts.

    Love. Dan

  3. the gift of great mourning comes from loving deeply. we are each blessed in our own way with the perfect mate. that they died is tragic. i read once that "not every fairy tale has a happy ending." i disagree. death does not end a fairy tale, it only transcends it. we will continue our lives with our soul mates when fate and time allow it. your pain is your badge of honor for having found such a love.

    i hope your migraine eases today and your mind finds a quiet place to meditate.

  4. I respond that way as well, when I read or someone says "you never appreciate it until it's gone" - I knew, every day, what we had, what we have; I thanked god and myself and matt every day for this life, even when it was annoying (okay, so that was harder). I did not need death to correct my path, or open my eyes, or let me know what was important. Thankful every day, for each of us as individuals, and for us together. It does continue. Love is here, all the time. Where else would it go. Somehow, this is still the path of love.