Monday, February 8, 2010
...how fragile we are...
Originally uploaded by jojoro
Before sitting down to do my writing this evening, I decided to look back on what was going on for Michael and I around this time last year. I see in last years writing, that we were preparing to go to the Russian River for an overnight trip. Sitting here thinking back, I don't remember anything about it. Did we end up going? I don't really know.
I know that Michael had an updated MRI around this time, and that while it showed no new growth, we were to move cautiously. I also know that it was around this time that I decided to take an extended leave from work, as I was having health problems related to stress. Although, the main reason I was taking time off is that our oncologist explained to me that things could go downhill quickly for Michael, so I wanted to be home with him.
Something tells me that we ended up not going away as planned. With Michael's health, and the needs of the kids, I learned that all plans are tenuous. I suppose you could say that I have learned that life is tenuous. We walk on thin ice. Life is much more fragile than I originally thought. For me, I equate this with happiness being tenuous. When I had it, I really appreciated it. I didn't need to completely lose it to know this.
I was someone who was single a very long time. When I met Michael, and subsequently feel in love, I truly appreciated what I had. Even during difficult times, I appreciated what I had. Even after losing him, I still appreciate what I had. I suppose this goes along the line of the saying, 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.'
Last night was a difficult one for me. It was difficult because I was missing Michael. And, although it hurts to cry like that, I'm glad that I had someone to feel that strongly about. He gave my life further quality and meaning. In that way I was blessed. It pains me to think about the future we thought we would have, and how much more happiness we would have enjoyed, but I feel I must resist going there.
'Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.'
Another Love quote I found online. If this is true then there are a lot of people in relationships, that have yet to be blessed with knowing the true depths of the love they share. I suppose we can think of this as the consolation prize in being widowed.
Sorry I'm not being very eloquent tonight, my migraine persists through day four.