Monday, March 29, 2010


Stargazer Lily
Originally uploaded by
monika & manfred

Tough time getting my mind around being clever, or insightful, when feeling on the defensive.

It's not what you think. I'm not being verbally, or physically, attacked by a person. I am being attacked by the pollens that have invaded the air, and I feel completely vulnerable.

The kids and Michael know/knew, when Dad is having problems with his allergies, stay away. I am one of those people that somehow inherited an immune system that cowers in the face of anything that grows, especially grasses and pollen. When my system is being attacked, I am completely miserable. During my misery I cannot tolerate anyone talking to me, sitting near me, or touching me. It just makes me want to scream.

As usual, my allergies are worst when visiting southern California. It must a combination of the heat, and the trees and flowers that are blooming. Unfortunately, I missed my scheduled allergy shots last week, as I was far too busy at work trying to prepare for a week away. And, as usual, I come last in the weekly pecking order. But I do pop my usual 24 hour pill in the morning, then follow that with a candy dish amount on Benedryl throughout the day. By nights end, I am a complete foggy mess.

So, what does this have to do with my grieving process today? Isn't that the point of this blog? Well, there are so many correlations that could be made. Yet, the main thought that comes to mind is that I am so distracted while in this miserable state, that going to a deeper level does not happen naturally. In fact, I'm feeling somewhat detached from my emotions today, and I don't seem have a good sense of how I even present.

Earlier I took the kids to the store to pick up some items needed for our trip to San Diego tomorrow. While at the store we got caught up in the moment, and had a good time picking out cheap sunglasses for our mini vacation. When we returned to the house, my playful mood kind of evaporated with the heat. My daughter asked if I was okay. I responded that I was fine, just miserable from my allergies. She returned with, "are you sure that is it?"

You know, of course Michael has been on my mind all day, he always is. But I think we sometimes take a bit of an emotional break. Some of the breaks are consciously taken, and others, like today, are imposed upon us. Either way, allergies, or no allergies, it has been a good day. I'm enjoying being here with my parents. I love that they feel so comfortable bringing Michael up, like my father saying he kept over counting how many of us were visiting. My mother says that my father kept telling a friend that there were five of us. Tonight he realized he still counts Michael among us. He was telling me during dinner that each night he says his prayers. During his prayers he names each of his sons, their spouses and children. Michael continues to be on his list, whether here in person, or up in heaven.

All I can do is smile, and say Achoo!


  1. God, I SO identify with this. I think, as you will learn as you move along this journey, you learn how to allow your self those breaks intentionally - and knowledgeably. I feel at almost 15 months out I can remember a few times when I physically CHOSE to take those breaks, and allow the sunshine to come through. There is so much hope and love in your writing. And genuity. I love the part about your family still including Michael. I couldnt see it then, but I am so aware of it now how lucky we are to have family that gets it as much as they can. My parents still include Warren in things all the time, and comment on how they wish he could have been here on occasions when they know I am wishing so badly he was there. We are blessed. Dare I say it ;) Enjoy your break my friend.

  2. Bless You Daddy! Loved your post, and doesnt grandpa just have a way with his words. Maybe San Diego wont have such an attack on your allergies seeing as we will be next to the beach. Remember to relax on our mini vacation. I love you Daddy.

  3. I think it's wonderful that your father includes Michael in his prayers. You have a terrific family.