Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Originally uploaded by death and gravity
What a rough day, and it's not over.
This morning as I arrived at work, and was parking in the lot, the guard approached me to say he needed to leave early today, so I needed to pick up my keys by 3:30pm. We leave the keys as they have to double up on the parking spots, layering cars in each row. Parking is such a problem in the city. I said that would be fine, and made myself a note in my Blackberry.
This afternoon I had been waiting by the fax machine for a police report I needed in order to write a court report. In between checking the fax machine I returned calls on my other cases. By the time the police report arrived it was late in the day so I quickly began writing my report to the court. The next time I looked up at the clock it was 5pm. F*#k!
I was locked out of my car once again. This happened to me two weeks ago as well. This time my daughter isn't at home to rescue me. Rather than spend the money on a cab I decided to walk half way to my sons school, then catch the bus. I got to his school on time, and we started walking part of the way home. Half way up the hill, and it started to rain lightly. As we approached the turn where we were to catch the bus I realized that I didn't have a key to the house. I called a friend who I previously gave an extra key to, but she couldn't find it. She picked us up at the bus stop, and drove us to the house. I tried a couple of keys I found in my back-pack, but no do. My friend asked me to drop her back off at her house, and take her car. I then drove to my daughter's friend's home to pick up her keys. As I was driving back toward my home, tears.
I dropped into Taco Bell to buy the boys some dinner. My daughter was having dinner with some friends. I will need to go back out later to pick her up, then go retrieve my car at work. I hate being a single parent again. There is nobody at home to help out in a crisis. There is nobody at home starting dinner while I'm running around trying to manage this crazy day. I could really use a wife like Donna Reed, greeting me at the door with a cocktail in her hand.
In the mail was a letter for me from one of Michael's friends. I decided to not open it until I am actually settled in for the night. Given the way I am feeling, I am sure the letter will cause more tears. So much chaos. So much stress. Where is the payoff?
Darkness and sadness looms. It is one of those nights where I know despair is right around the corner. Most days I feel some sense of control, but not tonight. I have come to recognize this feeling, and it is not easy to deal with. I know that it will be a night of heavy crying, and gut wrenching pain. I am glad that it doesn't happen as frequently, and I am grateful to know that it won't last as long as in the past. Yet, I also know that my grief cannot be denied. It is pointless to fight it off. It is also better for me in the long haul to allow it to be present.
When grief arrives such as it has tonight, I feel like the angel of death somehow takes up temporary residence in my soul. To deny it's presence is futile. It is more powerful than me. I must submit, yet I will survive. I must give this dark angel his due, so that I may regain control of my heart. Like being caught in an undertow, submission is freeing. Only then will the collateral damage be minimal.