Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Curve Ball

Originally uploaded by

A strange thing occurred today. It was 11:56 am, and I was driving back to the office after attending a client's court hearing. I had a good morning, and had just been thinking to myself about my ability to detach from the sadness, and then the gloom started to overtake me. I tried to be very aware of what my body was experiencing. It was as if a darkness descends upon me, and it fill my lungs. My breathing becomes a bit more labored, and I begin to choke down the emotions. I thought, is this it? It's 11:56 am and I am already peaking?

Lately it seems that when this feeling comes over me, the rest of the day is a real struggle. Typically by the time I get home I am marching straight for my bedroom for an opportunity to release my tears, but not today. I had been so busy throughout the afternoon, that I had lost my focus on how I was feeling. Then as I went about my after-work routine, picking up my youngest son, running by the store, getting my son started on his homework, then off again to pick up my other son from jiu jitsu, it occurred to me, I was feeling good.

There was a real sense of satisfaction within me. Each of my boys had called me at work to check in, and each were feeling good about their day. In the rush of getting home, changing out of my work clothes, then back on the road, I realized that life today didn't feel so caustic. Even as I sit here writing this, my youngest son was just joking with me, "Dad, really, tell me, who did Mike love the best?" Well, me of course. "No, of the kids, Dad. It was me, right?" Then my daughter chimes in, "Well, actually, didn't he used to say you were the most annoying?" Much laughter.

What allows the day to turn, in this way? How does it happen that each of us arrives at the same place? I don't mean home. Yet, maybe that is the best way to describe it. I'm feeling very at home tonight. It's this type of feeling, the joy, the laughter, the sarcasm, that defined our family when Michael was here. How wonderful it feels to experience this tonight. How wonderful it is to feel Michael's presence, and smile. Who knows how I will feel by bed time, but for now, life threw me a curve ball, and it feels good.


  1. wow daddy, what a change in feeling today. im so glad thats how your feeling. you seem in good spirits. nice to see you with a smile. love you

  2. It truly amazes me how my mood can change several times a day--from high to low or vice versa. I sometimes think I am bi-polar. Glad your dad ended on a good note. Here's to more days like that.