Solitude . Sad (La Punition)
Originally uploaded by Tiquetonne2067
Last night, like the same night 6 months ago, my son Remy came in asking if he could sleep with me. I said that was fine, and made room for him on my bed. This occurred as I was finishing my work on last nights post. Once I was finished writing, I put my laptop away, and turned back toward the bed. I remembered that he had slept right next to Michael on that last night. At that point Michael's breathing was heavy,and labored. In the middle of the night, around 3 am, his breathing suddenly changed. It became very short, and hollow sounding. Remy woke up crying, and saying he didn't want to be in the room anymore. I walked him upstairs, and woke Michael's mother up, telling her I thought he would be leaving us soon.
Last night Remy once again woke up in the middle of the night. This time it was around 4:30 am, and I told him he needed to stay in bed and sleep some more. At 5 am he once again sat up and asked if he could go back up to his room. I said that would be fine. I then looked at the clock, and made a mental note to only sleep briefly, as I wanted to do some meditating at 6:05 am. I laid around in bed, but never went back to sleep. At 6am I got up, lit a few tea lights, and placed them around Michael's urn. I then got out my meditation pillow, sat in front of the urn, and began the exercise of mindful meditation. I initially thanked God for the gift of Michael, and the loving support of Remy and the other kids. I then stopped actively thinking, and allowed by mind to relax. I let go of any mind control, and I just became aware of the various thoughts and feelings that moved through me.
After meditating I did some remembering of the morning that Michael died, September 13, 2009, at 6:05 am. I thanked God for giving me the gift of being present with Michael as he took his last breath. I then turned my focus back to me, and made myself aware of how different I feel today as opposed to that day 6 months ago. I wanted to mark my awareness as a reminder of the journey I have been on during these past 6 months, and I wanted to be mindful of the progress I have made along the way.
My grieving has changed since those early days. At 6 months out, I now have better control over my emotions, and I am beginning to re-experience more emotions besides sadness and loneliness. I still miss Michael enormously, and I still mourn my loss, meaning there are still daily tears. But the painful, and gut wrenching sobbing, has decreased significantly.
Yesterday I was asking myself why the 6 month mark had been so difficult for me as it approached. I came to realize that it wasn't necessarily because it was six months from the day, it was 6 months from the period of time when Michael was actively dying. I needed to grieve all those moments from a year ago, when I didn't have the luxury to cry because Michael needed me to be the strong one. He needed me to care for him, and to help him depart with a sense of calm and peace.
I can now look back and know that I provided him with all he needed during those last days. I was blessed to have all that I needed to take care of Michael, in so far as medical supplies and medication. I was blessed to have so much medical advice and social support. I am grateful that Michael was able to die here at home, in our bedroom, and in my arms. I am grateful that I was able to give him loves last kiss as his last breathe moved from his body to mine.
In these ways, I am a blessed man.