Living life on the fast lane
Originally uploaded by Geeno
A new day.
It's always a bit surprising when I experience a bounce back of sorts. After yesterday's storm of emotions, I am feeling much better. Although I know that I look completely wiped out. It's this type of episode that makes me feel that I am now aging at a much faster pace. And what's odd is that I don't really seem to mind.
I have always thought of myself as youthful. I try to keep up with the latest music trends, like to look my best when out, and still have an eye for young cute guys that cross my path. Yet in the past I took the perspective as someone still in the game. These days I see it all as just a spectator sport.
I'm no longer looking for excitement. I would be happy to reach the level of contentment. It's almost as if I have experienced life in fast forward. In the past four years I met a man, fell in love, did some traveling, combined our lives, helped him battle cancer, got married, watched my husband die, and became a widower. Throughout these years I helped my daughter get through high school, battle addiction issues and start college. I moved my 16 year old son to a residential program closer to home, saw him graduate from middle school, start high school, and move home. I drove my 11 year old son to therapy and electric guitar lessons, complete elementary school, start middle school, and treat an emerging mood disorder. I attended brain tumor conferences, participated in support groups and fundraisers, joined several bereavement groups, participated in family therapy and wrote various blogs. I went from overachieving gym rat, health food nut, top shape of my life, to sluggish, graying, out of shape 50 year old. I've gone from active Catholic, to lapsed Catholic, Buddhist in training, angry at God, confused spiritual being. I went from sex crazed lover, to understanding partner, to resentful caregiver, to intimacy loving spouse. I ended a decade long dry spell of never finishing a book, to a speed reading novel devouring book junkie.
All of this in four short years. In the past I thought of myself as chronically single. Never would I believe that four years later I would be writing a blog about being a widower. How does that happen? As I sit here in my bedroom, I look at the photos all around the room. The images that I see are of a happy couple living through good and bad times. I say happy, but of course I know that there were some unhappy moments as well. I'm not really one to suddenly look back and think it was all a bed of roses. No, it was real. How I like to think of that time is that it was filled with passion. Passion heats up all the emotions. It makes life, and love, quite raw. It is what I loved about being in love. I love a good fight, then love a good make up session. Okay, maybe not a fight, but some passionate discord now and then is healthy. I liked that my life felt very real. It was fulfilling.
Now life moves in slow motion. Slow motion feels right. At times I say I would like to fast forward to a time where my pain is lessened. But if I am honest, I know that would not be good for me. I have been through a vacuum of sorts, and I need to recover. I need to take the time to sort out all that I have experienced in these short four years. I'm in no rush. I have no interest of a life in the fast lane. I prefer the life of a Sunday driver.