Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Originally uploaded by brookeshaden
I'm sitting here in the lobby of this hotel, feeling frustrated, and wishing I was back at home in the comfort of my bedroom. Not to say that I am not having a good time with my kids. It's just that I usually end each day with some time alone with Michael. Yes, that sounds strange. My routine is that I light some tea candles that sit next to his urn, which gives me a sense of calm. Sometimes it allows me time to cry, and to unleash the day's pain.
Being away from my home, from the space that we occupied together, makes for a difficult time. I don't know how to feel comforted.
I didn't want to spend time this week writing about feeling sad, or of the agony involved in each day, but I now feel that it would be dishonest to pretend that I don't feel that way. I can't help but look around me, at all the happy, and carefree couples, and feel like an outsider.
I have mentioned this to my therapist in the past. I feel like I am an outsider. I don't feel like the joys of life are meant for me. There have been too many losses. Not necessarily losses with death, but losses of ideals. I look to those around me, and can't help but feel that others have had an easier, more fulfilling ride. As for me, especially in the love department, I feel betrayed.
For far too long I felt like love, and life, had passed me by. Some how I wasn't going to get what other did. Some how I was being denied the happiness that a fulfilling relationship offers. I sometimes wondered if I was being punished, but knew I had done nothing wrong. Maybe I had chosen the wrong path in life. At one time I was studying to be a Catholic priest, and chose to walk away. Was it the wrong choice? Was God angry at me, or disappointed with me? Was I meant to have a life of servitude? I know. This is crazy thought. But what am I supposed to think.
It is one thing to live a life alone. Prior to meeting Michael, I had come to accept that I was maybe not meant to be part of a loving relationship. I was content with my life. I had learned to find happiness with what I had. Then I met Michael.
Our relationship was not perfect. But I was perfectly happy. Even with the challenges of cancer, I was able to find happiness in our love. But to have that love, or that life in a relationship taken away. Well, I feel betrayed. Now I know what I lost. Now I know the difference from my life without him. Everywhere I go I am forced to feel like an outsider. The joys of life are not meant for me. But why?
Do all widows and widowers feel this way? Or, is it just us that have lost our loved ones too soon.? Sometimes I tell myself, that none of us are immune from loss. All of us will die at some point. But why did Michael have to die so soon? He was such a good person. He was needed by so many people. He had so much more to do. And, most of all, we had just started.
I'm so angry. I'm angry at God for doing this to him, and to me. Some may say that I shouldn't question God. They are likely people that haven't experienced this kind of loss. I look to my family and friends, and wonder how can they understand what I feel? They haven't lost the love of their life, have they? Then I have to say, then again, why me?
I am convinced that I am an outsider. I know that I am not alone. I know that there are many others who are outsiders. Maybe they have also lost their loves. Maybe they have never had a love.
This makes me think of the saying, better to have lost in love, than to have never loved at all. Oh, really? How easy it is for those that haven't walked in my shoes. How easy for those that have no clue what this pain is like. I wish I wasn't so angry. Bitterness is not pretty. But what do I care? Unless you are in my shoes, then you don't know what it is like. You are reading this while lying in bed next to your lover, your husband, your wife.
It is not my intention to make others feel guilty. It really isn't. I just want to know why I couldn't have had the same thing. Not more, just the same.
I need a new tattoo. Something that brands me as an outsider. My other tattoos speak of my love, hope and loss. Now I want something that clearly marks me as an outsider. I want others who have also felt betrayed by life to recognize me. I want to look in the mirror and recognize myself. I want to say to myself, "your an outsider. Stop expecting what others have. It is not for you."