Saturday, December 12, 2009
Boredom, the in-between stage of grief
Is life boring??,
originally uploaded by hawk's_eye 2 oldschool.
Utter boredom. That has been my whole day. Nothing is capturing my interest. I have turned the television on, nothing worth my time. I have been surfing the net, can't remember where my interests used to lie. I sit here on my bed, books on both night stands, none of them being cracked open today. I think I have read half way through each of the books during the past few months, and now I have no interest in finishing them.
This house is dirty, the laundry is half done, I could use a trip to the grocery store, but it's too cold and wet out. Eventually the kids will start wondering what is for dinner, but for now they don't seem too concerned.
It's a sad situation. I don't even care that I have accomplished little today. I don't even care that nothing has captured my interest. Night has set in, and I'll probably sit here, awake, all night long. Even the thought of sleeping has no appeal. Maybe I should take up drinking, at least I could alter my state of consciousness with unconsciousness.
I suppose this is better than spending a day in tears and torment. Even my dog and cat have left my room. They have spent most of the days sleeping at my side. Now that they are alert, and ready to play, I appear to have bore them as well.
Okay, let's try to analyze this. Let's take a step back and look upon this scenario with deeper understanding. What we see is a man well aware that it is day 90, meaning he has been a widower for exactly 90 days. He has lost the love of his life, and that life appears somewhat empty right now. He is going through a 'glass half empty' period.
I, this man, could greatly use a hobby. No, this man has far too much to do. He is just failing to follow through with any type of responsibility today. By Monday he will regret wasting all this time. He will think back on the chores he didn't do, the letters he didn't write, the calls he didn't return, the food he didn't cook, the gifts he didn't wrap....his list can go on and on.
This man in grief has entered a new stage. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross gave us the framework for the stages of grief including denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, which are commonly referred to as the "grief cycle." It is well accepted that these stages are not necessarily sequential. We can move about them in various directions, sometimes experience more than one stage at a given time.
What appears to be missing from the five stages, is the stage, or state of being numb. My process thus far has been to move from anger, to depression, and to acceptance. I don't have a sense of being in denial or trying to bargain my way out of this. And, the transitions between anger, depression and acceptance have not been very smooth, more like being thrown about by violent waves in the ocean. This is why I sit here a bit confused, what stage am I in today? What am I feeling?
Unfortunately for me, I know myself all too well. I know that this sense of boredom will be washed away very soon, and I will be back to my usual angry and depressed attempt to come to acceptance. What a horrible goal. Who wants to work through these stages when the goal is to accept that the person they love is gone for good?
Oh, I hate this life! Okay, I don't hate this life, I just needed to interject a bit of drama into this boring day. Alright, alright. I will accept this current state of being, appreciate the break from my emotions, and move on with my night. I am going to find the most melodramatic movie on the t.v. and lose myself in it!