Offering gratitude,
originally uploaded by Nowordz.
Tonight is a night of gratitude. This has been a difficult week for me. I have found myself in tears several times each day. There have been moments where I have felt unable to mask my grief while at work. It can get to the point of feeling a sense of panic, as if I cannot breathe. I recognize that there are going to be times, and places, where I need to maintain composure. I also recognize that I self impose certain rules about where I should and should not allow my tears to flow. I wish I could change this about myself, and perhaps in time this is changing.
What I am learning this week, is that I need to break away from this male ego trip about being strong in "public." In feeling less in control of my emotions these past few days, I have allowed myself to better benefit from the comfort that others want to provide. This comfort has come from so many sources, from people just passing my way, to old friends, to co-workers, and especially from those of you who are also grieving.
To all of you, I give you my humbled gratitude.
I'm finding that I am short on words tonight. I'm feeling exhausted from little sleep, a very busy schedule, and a lot of mental self-examination.
Once again, thank you for being present to me this week.
oh Dan, it hasn't yet been 3 months for you. You are still so raw, all your nerves exposed. Let me share with you that for the first few months I couldn't control when or where my tears came. The only time they were guaranteed not to come was when I was numb which was around half the time. It was when I didn't cry that people worried about me the most.
ReplyDeleteI smiled at your words "male ego" regarding the tears. Why is it that men aren't supposed to cry? It's ludicrous but you still hear mothers tell their sons, "be a big boy. Boys don't cry" Total rubbish, but of course it's hard to shake off what has been ingrained into you by society as a whole!!
Give yourself permission to cry, please. If you don't you will get ill. It's the release valve ... and I promise that after a while you (mostly) get the ability to cry only at set times. Really. I know how crazy that sounds, but my time to cry each day is between 7 - 8 in the evening. It's important to have this time, otherwise, if I have to keep it in, the tears will dictate the time to me :-) and this means that I can function fine at work and when I visit people.
But that's later ... for now you go ahead and cry when the tears come. You're allowed to - your world has shifted on its axis. I'm glad that people are giving you comfort now - it sounds glib, but it does help.
And finally, thank you for all the comfort and sanity-checking I have been given by you <3
Thanks Boo,
ReplyDeleteI do need reminders from others, like you, to keep some perspective about where I am with my grief. I need to filter out those caring individuals who want me to get through it quicker so they can have the old happy and humorous Dan back. I'm trying to bring in some elements of humor at work, as that is what enables us social workers maintain some sense of sanity. Yet by the end of the day I realize how much energy goes into keeping sadness or tears put away. I'm going to need to blend these shifts throughout the day, and let others around get comfortable with this new dominant aspect of my being.