Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Man in Waiting

A dream of you...,
originally uploaded by double.L.

It has been 87 days since Michael left this world. Michael Walter Lowrie, the man I love, my partner, my husband.

Michael suffered from a brain tumor. We knew that he was going to die, and we were able to have many conversations about this. Some of these conversations were very serious, some were what might be considered mundane.

Often his impending death would come up as we prepared for bed each night. He would look over at me while brushing his teeth, and say things like, "I'm going to miss doing this with you." Michael would be putting his clothes away, look across the room and say, "I'm going to miss seeing your smile." At first these comments were difficult to hear, and initially didn't make sense to me. I would ask him, "Isn't it the person left behind that is supposed to do all the missing?" He would just smile and reply, "Well, I know I am going to miss this anyway."

I know this type of conversation might seem odd, but it was our reality. We found it comforting to know we would always miss each other. It became an endearing part of our relationship.

Sometimes the next part of the conversation would lead to Michael asking if I wanted him to contact me after death, if he found this possible. Of course I would love it, but know it isn't possible. And while such ideas seem like they would help with the pain of loss, I know that they would likely just delay what I must go through. Perhaps this is why I haven't even found Michael in my dreams. Come to think of it, I don't think I have had any dreams since his death.

During these past 87 days I have had very little sleep. Most nights I am awake until 1 or 2 in the morning. Sometimes I am able to let go of my thoughts, and fall asleep earlier, and sometimes sleep doesn't arrive until much later into the morning. I'm sure this is why I am not dreaming, or at least not registering that I dream.

This may not be the case for all who grieve. It just happens to be part of my process. I know that eventually I will sleep. Eventually I will dream, and when I do I will be looking for Michael.

I am a man in waiting. I am waiting for some comforting visions of Michael. I am waiting for sweet remembrances. I am waiting to awake with a smile on my face.


  1. you are right. some dream. some do not. i created my dream of my island and going there to meet my husband, my Dragon. i tell myself to dream it. sometimes i do and when it happens, when my mind saves me and allows it to grow, it is restful. but it does not happen each night. i am a frequent flyer through the library. no way can i afford all the books i read. but do continue to talk to him. it is not odd. it is healing (for me). it is not something i could ever stop doing.

    continue to wait. the dreams will come. i'm praying for you and your family. thinking of you and hoping for peace for you all.

  2. I love the new(ish) song by The Black Eyed Peas and think of it as a conversation between Cliff and myself ... "Meet Me Halfway". Your post reminds me of this because I keep wondering if he misses me as much as I miss him.

    I think that you will dream of Michael when you are ready to. I dream of Cliff a lot now.


  3. Hi I just found this blog and I recently lost my partner in June 04, 2011. We were together for almost a year and had his funeral on our 11 month anniversary. It was the hardest thing I have to in my life. We bought a condo together and live there for only 4 months. I am so glad I found this blog and will read all the post you posted. Thank you.