Sunday, December 20, 2009

Message to Michael

tears #1,
originally uploaded by rawlay.
Oh my love. I am having such a difficult day. I can always tell when my night will end up full of tears and sorrow. In the morning I wake up far too early. I didn't need to be anywhere, and I didn't have anything that had to get done. A perfect opportunity on a cold morning to just stay in bed, and sleep in late. Yet, my body does not allow for that. It wakes up early, looking for you. It has a restlessness that says that something is missing. It can't find comfort in our own bed.

I moved into the living room early this morning, had a bowl of fruit and a hot cup of coffee. I sat there for a very long time, then sat a while longer. I turned on the television to see what might occupy some of the quiet, but nothing felt right. The boys were around, which did help. I later moved back down into our bedroom, got out this computer, and tried to occupy my mind once again. It didn't work for me.

You know Michael, some days just seem to move so slowly. I wish they would fly by, but they don't. I feel like I am empty, that things that used to bring me joy no longer do. I try desperately to engage in activities that used to fill my days, that perhaps we enjoyed together, yet I don't seem to remember what they were. It's as if I am a different person, or just an observer of time. It is remarkable how I can sit doing absolutely nothing, and can do this for extended periods of time. Sitting here now, it is completely quiet. If I concentrate I can hear the ticking of the clock, and I can sense the glow of the candles I have burning.

I miss you so much, and as the evening draws later I find myself awash in tears. My body aches for you, it yearns for comfort. My chest is sore, my lungs lack adequate air, and my head is throbbing with pain.

Where are you?


  1. i know these feelings well and there is nothing you can do. i know you have your children about you so you have to pick your times to let yourself go, but letting go and experiencing this is all you can do. the darkness won't let you ignore it for long. i wish there was a magic window or that Mitch Albom "one more day" thing we could call on to have our questions answered, to tell them one more thing, to tell them "i love you" one more time and see it in their eyes that they are not leaving us behind; they are just going on up ahead for a bit and will find a lovely bench upon which to wait for us.

  2. wNs, I completely agree (which doesn't surprise me at all!). Finding times when I can just let myself go and rage, cry, roll into the fetal postition or whatever I need to do at the time, is healing for my heart and soul. The trick is finding the time with kids at home, so you can let it out however you need to at the time.

    I hope you find a little peace and sleep tonight, Dan.

  3. Some days we just get by as though we're on cruise control. There were some days that I had absolutely no recollection of what I'd done or what had gone on. I was in some sort of strange functioning daze. Your description of how nothing felt "right" for you this day is very moving. There are just days that will be like this - I truly belive that it is okay to be restless because I'm not sure there really would be any activity that could take the tears away.