Monday, December 21, 2009

Michael's Christmas Music Mix

Christmas Music,
originally uploaded by elycefeliz.

Years ago Michael put together a music mix of his favorite Christmas songs, burned them to a CD, and sent them out to friends as a gift. He had made so many copies that we seemed to come upon them whenever going through the house looking for something or another. It kind of became a bit of a joke between him and I.

Although Michael and I only had a few Christmases together, this music mix became the highlight of the season. Whenever we had friends over he would be sure to get one of his CD's out to put on the stereo. Whenever somebody would mention music around the holidays, Michael's face would light up, and I knew what was coming.

Ever since the Thanksgiving holiday was over I began thinking about Michael's Christmas mix. As Christmas has drawn closer and closer I have tried my best to stay far away from any kind of holiday music, as it has been just too painful to feel any joy with much of the light hearted tunes.

This afternoon the boys and I met with our family therapist to talk about the difficulties we have faced as a family. During the session my boys both talked about their wish that I wasn't so sad all the time, and how they were wanting to find a way for me to be happier about Christmas. Hearing their concerns immediately brought me to tears. I realized how difficult this has been for them, and that I need to put more effort into allowing for some joy this week. Yes, it is going to be difficult, it already is, but I'm going to give it my best shot.

Getting back to Michael's music mix, I came to realize tonight that I didn't want to let the holiday season pass without including Michael's music. So as I have been sitting here writing this post, Michael's Christmas music mix has been playing in the background. I'm so glad that the boys were able to reach me with their concerns, as it has enabled me to connect with Michael in this way. With each song I can picture Michael singing along. With each song I can feel the joy of the Christmases we shared together. And, with each song I feel his love. Will I end up in tears once the music ends? Most likely. Yet tonight the tears will be a mix of sorrow and appreciation.

My favorite song on the CD is Mariah Carey's "All I want for Christmas is you." Listening to this song fills me with Michael's joy. I see him clearly, singing along, looking straight into my eyes, dancing around the room, and moving closer and closer to me.

All I want for Christmas is him. I no longer have him here in person, but I know that I will always have him, and he will always have me.


  1. that moved me to tears. I could almost see Michael, reading your description. You are right, you will always have each other. I strongly believe that we may have been separated physically, however you cannot separate two people's souls when they are soul-mates.

    You are such a good Dad. I agree that it must be hard for your children to see you sad, yet you also need to allow yourself time to grieve. Please don't feel bad about that.

  2. there is nothing more i can add beyond what Boo has so eloquently written. but i wish to emphasize. you are a wonderful father. a true dad. and yes, Michael is with you. the angel that is his namesake wouldn't abandon you either. the warrior spirit of both your Michael and the archangel is growing in you. take heart. take joy. let them grow inside you, slowly i know because of the deepest grief one could feel, but reach for your own words: "Michael's face would light up." keep them close and embrace that vision.

    peace always.

  3. My heart goes out to you and your family.

    I wonder what Michael would have wanted you to about the holiday music. Would he understand you wanting to avoid it or would he prefer you to play it in the hopes it would eventually lead to some cheer?

  4. I am realizing that Michael would want me to be open to joy. He had such a gentle way about him, and managed to smile throughout it all. After listening to the music I felt so much more at peace. I know that I guard myself from different experiences because I don't always want to get lost in the painful response that often accompanies them.

    I think I am learning to take small steps, and be willing to experience joy. I feel that Michael smiles down at me when I do.

  5. Michael sounds like such a remarkable man. In getting to know more about him, I feel as though we also get to know you at a deeper level too. So thank you for sharing these special and personal pictures into Michael.