Christmas Day Reflection

Silent Night
Originally uploaded by moo.ny

Last night I allowed my boys to open their gifts after we returned from church. They were so happy, and excited. After I cleaned up the kitchen I said my good nights and headed down to my bedroom. I didn't end up going to sleep at midnight as planned, my mind required a couple of hours before that could happen.

Christmas morning became a series of visits, and interruptions of sleep, by my sons. I had told them I wanted to sleep in, which they thought was great for me, yet somehow they didn't quite get the concept. All morning I could hear them running across the kitchen, then down the stairs to knock on my door. Eventually, around noon, my 16 year old came down again and asked if I realized how late it was. "Yes, I do! Alright, I'll get up."

A couple of hours later I found myself putting a turkey in the oven, and beginning the long process of making a Christmas feast. This is something Michael liked to do, so I sort of did this in his honor. My daughter eventually arrived in the late afternoon, talked, opened gifts, then we all sat down for the meal. Some how today's meal was much easier to get through. Last night's meal was a bit salty due to all my tears. During dinner we played Michael's Christmas Mix, which my daughter immediately recognized. We all smiled, and thanked God for the gift Michael was.

As soon as I finish tonight's post I will be taking down Michael's memory stocking, and we will be reading through the notes collected these past couple of weeks. I have been kind of avoiding this process, not because of the sentiments, but because it will bring back the harsher part of reality, he's not here.

I'm going to try to find a movie to watch tonight. I desperately need some time to relax and unwind, while I supervise four kids, a dog and a cat.

Good night to all. I hope your Christmas has gone well, or that unexpected blessings are headed your way.

Before I sign off, I do want to say that I feel blessed today. I am surrounded by people I love, and that love me in return. I was blessed to have several wonderful years with Michael, and he made me incredibly happy while we were together. In spite of, or because of, the difficult year that this has been, I find myself lost in thought and feeling often. Too many times this process has been very painful, and I have wished life to be over. Tonight I wish life to begin anew. I want to let the hope of 'Christmas Future' guide me through this process. I want to embrace the love Michael continues to give me, and allow that love to assist me in creating a life that offers new possibilities. It is what he would want, so it is what I shall seek.