Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Is it a choice?....Change, that is.
Originally uploaded by xarma
This afternoon I stopped on my way home to do some grocery shopping. Now I've posted in the past about my emotional response to being in the grocery store. At that time I shared with you how depressed I would get in the grocery store due to all the couples shopping at the end of the day, deciding what they would cook together for dinner. Today's experience was a bit different.
Today while I was in the grocery store I had a purpose in mind, begin cooking healthier meals once again. I decided that I need to push myself to cook more, and stop depending so much on fast-food and less healthy meals. As I walked through the store I was trying to think of what to buy, and what I might cook during the week. As I went through my limited menu of items I used to cook, or enjoy eating, I realized that much of it no longer appealed to me.
I don't quite know if I have a general loss of appetite, which is less than it used to be, or my tastes have changed. Keeping in mind my description of feeling less alive, think "Fido," it is not too surprising that the foods I used to enjoy, or crave, might have changed. If there is so much about myself that has changed, then perhaps my taste buds have changed along with everything else.
Today is not the first time that I have realized this. It kind of goes hand in hand with everything else that I have set aside since Michael died. I know enough about the human psyche to know that the pendulum swings both ways. In time I will begin to enjoy life again, and along with the general sense of equilibrium, I will renew some of my interests, or food cravings. I just don't know which parts of me are so intrinsically tied to Michael that I will choose to let go of them. Yes, there will be things that I will want to do to remember him, yet there will be parts of me that I permanently set aside.
I'm curious how I will be making these choices, or if they are choices at all. For now I am emerging as a mindful observer of life, mostly my life. If I look at this in a positive light, I will perhaps be emerging with some new interests, or new desires. Okay, I'm not going to suddenly become heterosexual, a sports fan, or decide to rebuild the engine on my daughter's car, but there can be subtle changes.
Wait a minute, rewind. Did I just stereotype gay men? I did. I just set back our movement a few years. Oh well, I'm a man in mourning. I can't be held responsible for everything I say or do right now. There's always room for change.