Monday, May 24, 2010

In Isolation, No Comment

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Life has got me beaten down. Nothing feels rational any longer. I know what to say, and what to do, but I want to just give up.

I wonder what goes into the making of each person. Why do some have so many challenges?

I don't know if I'm one of those people. Am I the challenged? Or, am I the person charged to care for the challenged?

When I was a little kid I thought the world existed for me. In my mind I pondered the idea that when I slept, the world failed to exist. With this line of thinking, the world was all a creation meant to busy me, challenge me, or entertain me. I had created my own little Truman Show where there were no accidents. It was all carefully orchestrated. Perhaps everyone had their own individual existence. Yet, if so, who was the mastermind who was manipulating my world, because he or she seemed to have it out for me.

My evening went so horribly wrong, so now I am sitting here in my room, isolating myself. I wish I could stay here forever, with no one knocking at my door. With no one needing anything from me. And, with no one being able to reach me.

I want to sink. I want darkness. I want to feel total isolation.

I wish the lights in the garden would go out. I don't want to see its beauty. Beauty no longer has it's place in my world. Joy no longer brightens my days. Optimism is for foolish. If I could find the master switch I would turn off all the power. Everything in my world would just shut down.

I don't want to be that survivor anymore. I want to be that broken person that cannot be fixed. I want to be lost beyond return.

I have sealed all the doors shut. I have raised the draw bridge. I cannot be reached.

Do I want anything out of life? No comment.

Do I want to be saved? No comment.

Will anything ever really matter again? No comment.

There is only one person I want right now, but the mastermind took him out of my life.

So tonight, no comment.