Monday, May 3, 2010
Nature . 自然 . Sea . Solitude (Les Eaux Noires)
Originally uploaded by Tiquetonne2067
Inspiration. I don't have it.
I started out my day well. I went into the office to finish up the job application and supplemental responses to the questions asked of each applicant for the job in San Diego. I still can't believe that I am moving forward with this. Maybe nothing will come of it for awhile, but maybe it will.
I spoke to my mother in law tonight about my planned move. I wasn't looking forward to this conversation, as she is the only reason staying here has some bearing. Nothing else seems to tie me to the life I enjoyed prior to that day almost eight months ago.
I have gone from feeling the depths of despair during the past few weeks, to feeling somewhat blank, and empty today. It was another afternoon and evening of sitting, waiting for time to pass.
I worked a little in my garden this afternoon, but it wasn't the same type of nurturing care that I usually afford it. It felt more like an exercise in futility. Part of my agenda was to try to figure out why the garden lights are not working. I also unwrapped a new water pump I had ordered for my fountain, and quickly realized that I had ordered the wrong part. So now as I sit here in bed looking out my window I see nothing, and hear nothing. The space that once was an evening oasis, is now nothing but solid darkness. There is no Buddha sitting mindfully in the corner, surrounded by various flowering plants, or the babbling sound of the fountain to his side. There is just blank emptiness. It may as well be a mirror, casting the harsh reflection of my reality.
There is one soft light flickering across my room. One small candle glowing peacefully against Michael's urn. This gives me comfort. This gives me a moments peace. But does it inspire me? Does it infuse me with life? No. But it does give me a sense of his presence. I'll take what I can get.