(4) Stories for lonely shots - No Matter Where
Originally uploaded by Gavin Liam Levitz Russell
I'm sinking again. I had a fine day, but since leaving the office I could feel myself going under. It's that familiar feeling of not having the strength to keep myself afloat.
I came down to my room so that I can feel free to cry out. The boys have sensed this as usual, as they have asked a few times tonight if I'm okay. I don't want to worry them. We need to have a good weekend. Tomorrow is my youngest son's 12th birthday. His birthday request is to not have to go to his religion class. He's so funny. I suppose God will understand. He just wants a day to do what makes him happy. Part of that happiness will be when we head out to the Guitar Center with his best friend to buy a new electric guitar. He has been playing for over a year now, and is getting very good. I'm excited about this outing as well, as I love music, and am so happy he has found his passion with the guitar.
I'm feeling better now. It helps to look ahead, even if it's just looking toward tomorrow. I didn't sleep well last night. I kept having these uneasy dreams that just didn't make any sense. I woke up several times, feeling physically sore from all the tossing and turning. In my sleep I kept reaching out for Michael, but finding only pillows. They had to do, as there was nothing else there. That's the feeling I'm having tonight. I feel like I am going through withdrawal symptoms. I physically ache for not having Michael here with me. I can find no comfort. I haven't felt this bad for quite some time. It feels like I am back where I started.
Unfortunately I have some secondary parenting issues going on with my daughter at the moment, which makes all of this doubly hard. As we all know too well, the rest of our life doesn't suddenly get easier just because we are going through the trauma of loss. No, it all seems to hit you at once. Right now it's a heavy load, and I am feeling less capable of managing the weight of it all.
This whole post feels so scattered. I have no clear direction, and I'm feeling less than inspired by my own words tonight. This tells me to put the laptop aside, and put my energy somewhere else. I probably just need a good night's sleep.