On being my own best friend.

Time for bed
Originally uploaded by Self_za

Well, it's 11:20 pm, and I am just now getting to today's post. Since getting home from work I have been busy with the kids. Mostly bossing them around, making sure they get all that needs to get done, done. After getting each of them off to bed, I came down to my room to begin writing, only my computer wouldn't connect to the Internet. I have been sitting here for 20 minutes, quite frustrated, trying desperately to figure out the problem.

As I sat here, tired, mentally and physically, the thought came to mind, "why don't I just go to bed?" Easy answer, "because I made a commitment to posting on my blog every day. No exceptions. I am my own worse enemy, and I am my own best friend.

In these days of having to fly solo, it is important to know what I need. Or, at least try to have a sense of what I need. Without my love, my husband, around, there isn't anyone else who is going to take it upon themselves to remind me of what I had planned to accomplish. There also isn't anyone else who is going to make sure that I take care of myself. This is not to negate the friends I have who constantly remind me to take care of myself, yet once I begin my trek home, I'm pretty much on my own.

These last couple of days I have found myself doing a lot of talking to Michael's image in the frame across from my bed. I have had a very strong need for that connection with him at the end of my day. I have needed to share my thoughts out loud, and specifically to him. He was the keeper of my intimate thoughts and needs, and I was of his. As I am talking to his image I am very aware of why I am doing it. It's really not for him, as I really believe he is off to some other place. What I recognize is that I cannot always stay so silent. Yes, I do get to express myself here each day, and that is why, tired or not, I discipline myself to stick to the plan. I get so much out of this. Yet it does get very busy in my head if none of my thoughts ever get to be verbalize

I find that it is getting easier to give myself permission to do what I need to do for my own well being. If that means talking out loud to my deceased husband, then I must have a real good reason. Right? For the most part, I am trying to meet the needs of my kids, but careful to not lose sight of my own needs. Life is very different after your spouse dies. That person who helped to keep you well grounded, and to remind you to take a break after quite a hectic day, is no longer there. In response to this situation, I have decided to tell myself what type of things Michael would say to me if he were still here. He would be telling me that I have done more than is humanly possible, and now it is time to take a break. He would probably continue standing next to me with that look in his eyes, which told me he was serious. That would be the moment when I would stop what I was doing, and minimally sit and take a short break. Easier said than done, but by channeling Michael's responses to my daily activities, I am better able understand what I need in that moment.

I think he would be pleased to know that I am beginning to look out for myself.

What Michael's voice is telling me right now is that I am in dire need of sleep. I need to wrap up this posting session, and get to bed.