Sharing Thoughts

three friends
Originally uploaded by m o d e

First off, let me wish all of you widowed, and not widowed, mothers a very happy Mother's Day. You have all been such shining examples of love and care for me, and I will embrace your nurturing qualities, and channel them when needed.

This weekend my youngest son had a friend from school come for a sleep over. While I have seen this other kid at the school, the boys had not connected or spent time outside of school together until recently. This other kid is also adopted, so I had a very nice visit with his mother when she dropped him off. We talked about a mutual friend in the neighborhood, and shared our experience with our adopted children. During our conversation I shared that my husband had passed away 7 months ago, and showed her his picture. She had some really nice things to say. Later in the conversation we were talking about our children's birth mothers, and I found myself sharing that the mother of my children had also passed away a few years ago. We had learned of her death just months before Michael was diagnosed. Traditionally I allow my kids to make Mother's Day cards or gifts for what ever woman they want to honor on this day. When they were younger this was more the practice, as they always made something at school. This year they are all a bit older, so there were no school gifts made.

My children have very complicated feelings about their birth mother, and all have settled in at different places. To keep it light this year I chose to not bring her up. Instead I sent of a bouquet of flowers to my mother, as she lives 500 miles away. We did drive up north for a picnic with Michael's mother. It has been raining on and off today, but the rain gave us a break for a few hours, so we had a beautiful sunny time for our picnic. I told her to just bring some drinks, and I would take care of the rest. I know that she loves roses, so I bought three rose bushes for her to add to her garden. Included with these gifts was a letter that I found on my computer that Michael had written his mother last year. I didn't know if he already gave it to her, so I printed it out, and secured it in an envelope. At the park I explained what it was, and told her to put it away for a time when she feels up to reading it. We had a very nice time together, and I am so happy that all the kids were with me to help her feel cared about for her day.

On to another topic. Yesterday another blogger posted a question on her Facebook. She often posts questions for us widow(er)s to discuss. I was so pleased to see her topic of choice yesterday. She was addressing the question to the men, and dads, who are now widowers, wondering in what ways we feel our grief process might be different than that of women. I wasn't able to get into the conversation right away, as I had guests all day, but eventually I was able to share my thoughts. Now prior to my entry there were both men and women sharing their thoughts on the topic, which seemed to be turning to the subject of how widowers are perceived by possible new dating interests. About twenty posts into the subject at hand, I added my thoughts. In my post I described my process of losing my husband. I then logged off to take care of some other things around the house. Today I see that after my post there are about twenty three more posts of people responding to each other's thoughts, and continuing their discussions. Now I don't know if I should be reading something into this, but not one person has chosen to respond to me.

As I have shared in the topics of my last few days, being an outsider of sorts, today as the gay outsider, I tend to be a bit sensitive to being treated differently. It's the ongoing concern that if I dare to enter into a discussion, or join a group of people who I think most resembles what I am going through, I risk the chance of being ignored or rejected. Now I tend to not worry about complete rejection from people within my own age group, as most of us in this age group have come to understand tolerance, and to respect differences. But it is when I feel like the response I get is a bit on the distant side, or that I am made to feel invisible, that I realize Imay need to look elsewhere. Again, I said this a few days ago, I accept that by now I can be a bit hyper sensitive to this type of situation. Most of the time I tell myself that it could happen to anyone, and not to read too much into it. Yet recently it is a theme that seems to be coming up more than usual.

I'm trying to decide how to respond to these feelings that are coming up for me. I don't want to see them as negative, and in response isolate myself. Instead I hope to use them as an opportunity to move forward, and to keep educating people on what my individual experience has been. This takes a delicate balance, as nobody wants to hear someone whine about being mistreated. At the same time I am here to write honestly about my experience so that others that come after me (no, not in the paranoid 'coming after me' way) will find a place where they can find support.

In any case, what it does bring to mind is that I have been so fortunate to have all of you reading, commenting, and dropping by for a quick visit. So many of you have shared your own sense of isolation, or being considered outside the box. I know that the whole gay issue is not the only identifying factor in making some of us feel different. There are many of them. It is just one that I have taken on as a focus to reach out to others who may be out there searching for support.

Thanks for listening.