Shifting between being happy and being sad....hard
Originally uploaded by shadowplay
As many of you know my two sons suffer from mood disorders, and I have written in recent past about the cycles of a mood disorder. When your child goes through a manic phase it can be quite distressing. They have little control over their emotions, and you as the parent have even less.
Today I was preparing to go to work. I thought my day was starting out well, but I kept finding myself sitting back down on the sofa rather than walking out that door. Each time I thought I was feeling strong, I got up to gather my things, but then found myself distracted, choosing to do one more thing, then back to the sofa again. It was one of those mornings where I find myself taking deep breaths, and doing some moaning out loud. I guess it is more like a very long, and loud, sigh. When I get this way I feel like I need to create some kind of noise to go along with my sigh. Somehow I feel like I am not fully catching my breath without the sound.
Eventually I got into my car and began my drive. Nothing on the radio sounded of interest so I eventually just turned it off. Actually, I did sing along to Lady Antebellum's "Need You Now." I just can't seem to get enough of that song. Anyway, I arrived at the office parking lot, got out of my car, and began walking toward the building. Suddenly without warning I began crying. I stopped walking, took a deep breath, and pulled myself together. I started walking once again, and was thinking about how odd this was. I told myself that this would be a fine day, as it really was my day off. I was only going in for a meeting, and would be done in a few hours. I promised myself I would do something special for myself, and to spend some time preparing for tomorrows interview. This made me smile. As I did this I imagined Michael standing beside me. He would be running his hand down toward the curve of my back, and give me his devilish grin. This grin meant I love you, and I will have you later tonight. I smiled again, and kept walking.
A few feet forward, and I felt like the wind had just been knocked out of me. I began choking up once again. I stopped, and thought that I need to get a hold of myself. I have an important meeting with a client and many service providers. I need to keep it together.
I don't like when I get this way. Maybe I should point out here, that I don't often get this way. My grief, my sadness, usually settles in like a dark rain cloud. I usually see it coming, and it often stays awhile. All I can say is that this was a bit different for me. I felt a little less in control.
Suffice to say, I don't like being out of control.