Monday, May 17, 2010

Rapid Cycling

Shifting between being happy and being sad....hard
Originally uploaded by

As many of you know my two sons suffer from mood disorders, and I have written in recent past about the cycles of a mood disorder. When your child goes through a manic phase it can be quite distressing. They have little control over their emotions, and you as the parent have even less.

Today I was preparing to go to work. I thought my day was starting out well, but I kept finding myself sitting back down on the sofa rather than walking out that door. Each time I thought I was feeling strong, I got up to gather my things, but then found myself distracted, choosing to do one more thing, then back to the sofa again. It was one of those mornings where I find myself taking deep breaths, and doing some moaning out loud. I guess it is more like a very long, and loud, sigh. When I get this way I feel like I need to create some kind of noise to go along with my sigh. Somehow I feel like I am not fully catching my breath without the sound.

Eventually I got into my car and began my drive. Nothing on the radio sounded of interest so I eventually just turned it off. Actually, I did sing along to Lady Antebellum's "Need You Now." I just can't seem to get enough of that song. Anyway, I arrived at the office parking lot, got out of my car, and began walking toward the building. Suddenly without warning I began crying. I stopped walking, took a deep breath, and pulled myself together. I started walking once again, and was thinking about how odd this was. I told myself that this would be a fine day, as it really was my day off. I was only going in for a meeting, and would be done in a few hours. I promised myself I would do something special for myself, and to spend some time preparing for tomorrows interview. This made me smile. As I did this I imagined Michael standing beside me. He would be running his hand down toward the curve of my back, and give me his devilish grin. This grin meant I love you, and I will have you later tonight. I smiled again, and kept walking.

A few feet forward, and I felt like the wind had just been knocked out of me. I began choking up once again. I stopped, and thought that I need to get a hold of myself. I have an important meeting with a client and many service providers. I need to keep it together.

I don't like when I get this way. Maybe I should point out here, that I don't often get this way. My grief, my sadness, usually settles in like a dark rain cloud. I usually see it coming, and it often stays awhile. All I can say is that this was a bit different for me. I felt a little less in control.

Suffice to say, I don't like being out of control.


  1. Best wishes for a good interview today. Hope you also have a productive visit checking out S.D. for possible relocation.
    I remember going through a time - maybe about a year ago - when my emotions seemed quite volatile. Unfortunately, it coincided with trying to sell my house. I had a hard time keeping my act together when working on the house, dealing with everyone, etc... I didn't feel much like myself a lot of the time. The good thing is, that seemed to sort itself out by the time the house was sold and I was back on the road to Bisbee. I should probably mention that with me, most of my "lack of control" ran more toward intense feelings of anger with some sadness mixed in.

  2. i know these feelings well. i am sorry you are experiencing them as well. mine come in the form of panic attacks where i cannot breathe. pressure on my heart and lungs. tears come to my eyes and i find myself panting, needing to sit down, then up to pace, to find air somehow. and all i can think of is him. i do not like being this way either.

    i am proud of you. it's a little thing i know. "hey, some random widow out there is proud of me. whoopie." but i am and i have always believed in encouragement, from wherever it can come. there is so little of it in our lives and one never knows how much a kind thought might be just the thing. so, i am proud of you. and i wish you peace.

  3. I keep being reminded - bev, actually, I think one of your recent comments got it started - to remember that I have, each of us here has, been traumatized, and I/we need to be so protective of our selves, to go so very slowly and gently. Trauma sucks - the slow kind or the surprise kind.
    WNS - I know it matters to me that a bunch of random widows are out there, even if I haven't connected other than in comments. I actually put myself back to sleep the other night counting the widows I know now. Odd, but oddly comforting.

  4. I've also experienced this type of "surprise grief" as I call it. It's always bewildering to me. Just one more thing that we have no control over.

    Good luck in your interview and in your visit to San Diego neighbourhoods. I hope it all works out like you need it to. Keep us posted!