Tuesday, January 26, 2010

"Dan, in real time Presents: The Recent Widower"

When approaching the recent widower one must use caution, and a watchful eye, upon any attempt to engage. The recent widower is known for not being completely self aware throughout his day. He can enter a state of emotional detachment at a moments notice, causing him to appear less than focused on the task before him.

The recent widower is a unique person indeed. His sense of well being, and equilibrium, has been thrown off, not unlike that of a lizard who has lost one of his appendages, such as a tail. He knows that the appendage is missing, causing him to feel broken. The widower will then require much time to begin the regeneration process. Until the missing piece is regrown, he is left less than whole.

The recent widower can often appear to be lost in a fog. He may be found roaming around town, aimlessly wandering, for what he may not know. If you come across a recent widower in such a state of mind, kindly redirect him to his home. You may also invite him over to dinner, but do not allow him to linger for long, as he may wish to speak of his loss, and he might bring you down.

A widower is the last person you should add to your party guest list, less you wish to not have a rockin time. The widower of late is not likely to enjoy a large crowd, or gathering of folks, and his choice of karaoke tunes, or should I say hymns, are usually not crowd pleasers.

In observing the day to day behavior of the recent widower, you will find that he walks around with a painted on pleasant smile. Do not be fooled, or taken, by this disguise, as the recent widower is truly very sad. His every waking hour is dedicated to the unrelenting desire for his loved one to return. Take pity on the recent widower, as he will live a life of unfulfilled desire, or at least for his first year of mourning.

The oddity that is the recent widower is found to be in the shape and form of an ordinary man. Make no mistake about this, the recent widower is not an ordinary man. He is prone to shed tears at a moments notice. He is found to push a shopping cart in endless circles at every grocery store within a 5 mile radius. The recent widower does not have the capacity to make up his mind as to what he, or his remaining family members, might wish to consume within the next week. Upon close inspection, the kitchen of the recent widower may be found to contain slowly rotting food, as he fails to gather up the energy to actually follow through with cooking meals throughout the week.

The recent widower's mating habits are definitely one for the history books. The recent widower may have long periods of no interest in the opposite sex, or the same sex if that is the team he bats for. He may appear asexual in nature, causing one to be curious about the correlation between widowhood and decreased levels of testosterone. Just as the ladies begin to feel remarkably safe around such a widower, he may surprise them, even shock them with with a cunning transformation into what is commonly known as a horn dog. A warning should be sent out to the local homosexuals, as the recent gay widower can at times be found surfing the web, seeking a temporary fix to his lonely predicament.

In conclusion, if in casual conversation, one finds that they are actually in the presence of a recent widower, fear not, a sticky situation can be easily averted. Firstly, take a deep breathe, as the recent widower may require a reserve of patience and tolerance. The recent widower may need to speak of his internal sadness. Secondly, do not attempt to cheer up the widower, or to deny his sadness, as your efforts will be futile. Allow the recent widower to to wallow in whatever state of mind he may find himself. Affirming his long journey ahead, and giving him reassurance that his response to grief is normal, will give the recent widower the comfort needed to remain in his habitat, without further harm.


  1. Well done! I had to smile at the part about the "rotting food". Last year, I kept buying fresh vegetables the same as I would have when my husband was still alive (we were vegetarians). Then I wouldn't feel like cooking this good food for awhile so everything would go rotten. I seemed to have no sense of time for remembering how long something had been in the refrigerator. Or I'd cook too much of something (I'm still doing that a lot because, after 35 years of cooking for two, I can't seem to figure out how to cook for one). I can't tell you how much food I've thrown out because vegetables either went bad, or I would look at a bowl of something and, for the life of me, had no idea of how long it had been in the fridge. I write dates on everything now as my memory has become so horrible.

  2. yeah i can deff see 99% of it being true. i havnt done the shopping center one but i have walked aimlessly around. O_o

  3. This is wonderful and I really enjoyed the retro pictures, especially the one with the guy smoking on the phone. But the sentence about inviting the widower to dinner but not allowing him to linger because he might speak of his loss and bring you down made me sad. We live in such a coflicted society where we're given the lip service about the need to grieve, yet when we do so we face criticism for bringing others down.

    I totally related with the wasted food - been there and am still doing that. Done the shopping cart in circles thing too. Also, came across a hamper when I was moving filled with old, mildewed clothes from around my husband's death that somehow never made it to the wash!

  4. Excellent, Dan. And the sad thing is that it's all true, even though you managed to make it sound humorous. It could be printed as a leaflet - easily!

  5. It is perfectly normal to be distracted and others should realize that. Your thoughts are of course, on what is missing in your life.