Friday, January 29, 2010
Vanishing into the Blue
Originally uploaded by Dalmatica
I'm thinking that blue works for me right now. It has such natural beauty. Blue can be bright and open like the sky. Blue can be cool and refreshing like water. Blue can be somber, melancholy.
Blue can also speak of a remote distance, such as someone vanishing into the blue. This is how I experienced Michael's death. I held his face in my hands, and was kissing him gently on his lips, then with one last breath, he vanished. For a few seconds there was silence. From the body he left behind, to the room that he once occupied. Silence.
In the immediate days, and weeks, after Michael's death, I sat in silence. I did this for hours on end. Much of my days were spent in tears, aching for him, feeling my body in physical pain over my loss. It felt much like what I would expect physical withdrawal from a drug to be. My body, my psyche needed him. I couldn't properly breathe without him adding carbon dioxide from his breath to the air available to me. So I sat. I sat in silence. I sat looking into the blue, wondering where he went. Friends that came to visit, or to sit with me, found quite a stunned individual. My whole being was confused, lost and shaken. Everything I previously understood, or believed, about the afterlife disappeared.
Into the blue he went. I would cry out in tears, "Michael, where are you?" I received no answer. So I sat, and I sat. It has now been more than four months, and yet still I sit, looking into the blue. Each night I sit in silence. Across from my bed is the urn with his ashes. Next to it is a candle that burns each night. I keep vigil, for what I do not really know. I find that I do not want any distractions, being oh so careful not to miss anything. Miss what? Again, I do not know.
I sometimes wish I didn't have to go to work. I have thought many times of quiting my job. The security it provides me no longer makes me no longer hold the same weight. Financial stability is no longer what motivates me. Everything that I have to do each day feels like it is taking me away from what I feel compelled to do, which is to sit, to listen, and to wait.
Into the blue he went.
Vanished, into the blue.