Friday, January 1, 2010
Message to Michael
Black universe, blue world
Originally uploaded by Mouin.M►(away)
I can't sleep. I know this is nothing new for me. You're used to finding me up late at night, either quietly reading with the soft glow of my book light, or upstairs in the living room. I haven't slept more than four hours each night this week, as I can't seem to calm the thoughts in my mind, or the ache in my heart.
Remy is asleep here beside me in our bed. He seems to find his way here more and more. I know he is seeking comfort at night, but sometimes I need to be alone with my thoughts of you. Just a bit ago, I was lying her wide awake, when suddenly his arm came flying toward my face. It immediately put a smile on my face thinking of how your arm tended to sway my way in your sleep as well. I know that you didn't always have control of how your brain was communicating with your body, so I at times needed to take matters into my own hands, literally. I remember lying here trying to sleep, and holding down your arm at the same time. It feels good to remember these little things, and smile.
I miss you so much. I know that others have most likely learned to accept that you are gone. Our friends and family didn't see you every day, and every night. For me logic doesn't seem to help. I still lie here still trying to make sense of it all.
Earlier I was trying to remember how we spent this night last year. The details appear to have escaped me. I know I'm not thinking too clearly due to a lack of sleep, and a lack of you.
I have resisted falling into the deep well of despair tonight. I needed to feel close to you, so I have tried with all my might to stay quiet, and listen. Sometimes I worry that I will miss out on what you need me to know if I am crying out so loudly. I truly need your guidance. I need to hear your voice, calm and gentle. I need to feel your eyes gaze upon me, and be blessed by your smile.
I know you love me. More and more I am able to feel held by the warmth of your love. I feel as though I need to be willing to experience your love in a new way. I know that I will grieve you quite some time, but I look forward to a time when thoughts of you fill me with joy more than with pain. Maybe that time won't come, I'm not really sure what to expect.
Michael, know that I am trying to get through this. I am trying to face this. It would be so easy to look for an escape, but that wouldn't help me, or the kids, in the long run. I want to make you proud.
Remy just started talking in his sleep, something about shooting across the universe. Again, he made me smile. I know that you would also be smiling at the thought of an intergalactic dream. You know Michael, he really misses you.
Okay dear, I will try to sleep now. I love you. I guess this is how we spent this night last year, loving each other.