Friday, January 15, 2010
I want to escape, go a little crazy.
Today we escape.
Originally uploaded by Manυ
This has been one of those weeks that make me feel like escaping from my life. I would love to just walk out the door of my house, my job, my life. Just walk, and keep walking. It can all be so much work, and frankly, not feel worth the effort.
Just to set the scene here properly, I am calm. I am not in tears. I am not numb. I think I am just feeling tired, and disappointed with life. Yesterday I ran into a peer while working. We were briefly talking about difficult situations within our families. She turned to me and said, "you have really been through the wringer."
I have been through the wringer. I often wonder what people think of when they see me coming. I mean people who know some of my story. There was a point in my life that everything came to me so easily. If I wanted to accomplish something I would just chart out a course, which would almost always lead me to where I wanted to go. Then something changed, and I don't know why.
When I decided to have a family I sought out adoption as my plan. I really loved being a parent, at least in the early days, before it all got so complicated. People have always said that my children's lives have been greatly benefitted by my willingness to persevere through all their difficulties. They come from a significant history of parental drug abuse and likely mental illness. So I shouldn't have been surprised, or disappointed with the challenges we would face as a family. But at this point it is really wearing me down. I'm beginning to feel like the victim in a very tragic tale.
Then Michael comes along, and my life begins to take a different turn. And even though the kids' needs continue to challenge me beyond my perceived limits, I am able to continue on because I am being fulfilled in other ways. There is balance for awhile. Then Michael dies, and I am left to manage all that I used to, and more.
Now, I don't mean to sound so depressing, it's not the tone I wish to convey. I just want an escape. I want to move into another dimension, or an altered state. I think I would like to go a little crazy. I would like to become one of those people who are somehow just not right. Maybe a little quirky. I would like to not always know that my life is not so good.
I suppose these are not nice things to say. I suppose these are not nice things to hear.
Maybe I should become reckless. I should throw all caution to the wind, and just look for trouble. Why not? Trouble seems to keep finding me anyway. And, if I go looking for trouble, at least it will be more of the fun type of trouble.
Do I make any sense? No? Great. Are you beginning to worry about me? Are you thinking, okay, now he's really lost it. I hope so. I think I'm ready for my midlife crisis. Am I old enough? Am I too old?
I wonder where I could find a sitter for my kids, so that I may begin my tragic demise. My kids might be a bit old for a sitter, but then again, they are far from mature enough to manage on their own. If I'm going to go crazy, then I should at least do it responsibly. Right?
I think I need a vice. I don't really have one. I don't think I have ever had one. Or maybe I do. Maybe I'm so crazy I don't even see the obvious.
I wish I smoked. I would be chain smoking right now. I would have a couple of ash trays around me, a lit cigarette in each.
I can tell this is going to be one of those late nighters. I'm not going to want to sleep, so I better find myself something to do, something to eat, something to drink, something to enjoy, something to...I don't know...something.
I want to be evil. I think I want to be Eartha Kitt!